Chance Concurrence
by SproutsAflame
Summary: Mark Watney decided to take a nap in the hallway, and Mindy Park stumbled across him. Humor and mutual awkwardness ensues. T because Mark has a passion for swearing. *I don't own The Martian. Don't sue me.*
1. First Encounter

**A/N: Hello FanFiction! I had three surprise vacation days this week, so I decided to edit/post this... Thing. I'm not real sure what it is, but I've really been feeling these two lately. Sorry if it's a bit chippy. Currently editing Chapter 2. Enjoy!**

I was lost. Again. You might think that after all those sols on Mars, I would have an enhanced sense of direction. I would be my own Nav system! One could wish. I'd only gotten lost more after being dependent on all those systems for so long. At the time, I thought I was still at NASA. I hadn't left a building, so I probably was. There was this big window open up in front if me, looking out into the courtyard. Pretty. Green is my new favorite color, cause of plants and whatnot. But NOT potatoes! I owe them my life, but I will NEVER eat another one! Ya hear me? NEVER! And I will also NEVER discuss potato skin tea! *shudder*

Ok, got sidetracked. Anyway, I was just wandering around the building, hoping some nice custodian would pick me up, maybe get me some coffee, and give someone a call to come pick me up, cause I was TIRED! Still am. Apparently, I have insomnia now. Woohoo. (Note the sarcasm.)

To my great dismay, no custodian showed up. Crap. But wait! Was that a person I saw?! I ran to check. Nope. 'Alright,' I thought, 'So, I'm stuck here. Why do I always get stranded places?! It's like my superpower or something. I should get on some weird talk show to discuss it.'

Fishing around in my pocket, I found that I had a granola bar. I ate it happily. Not a potato! That's a win in my book.

And then I realized: Now I had no food. Great. There goes my contingency plan! 'Where was everyone?' I wondered. Is there a meeting or something? If there was, I probably would have gotten a bulletin, what with being the favorite medical example in the 3 months that I've been back. (Actually, they just need my file. But they like to see a living, breathing person for some inane reason.) I was gonna go find a person or a pay phone or something, but I was tired. I fell asleep in the middle of the hallway. No regrets.

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Mindy Park was tired of her life. God, you take ONE night shift and the world crashes around you. After the whole Watney incident, her life was a hectic mess. Everyone wanted her assessment of all the images to come through SatCon in the last 10 years. Idiots. She was just in the right place at the right time. No credit was due to her, she thought tiredly.

As she walked down the hallway to the parking lot, she stopped to look out at the courtyard. The hibiscuses always captured her attention with their vibrant colors. She had once had a full garden of them, but they all died after she started working night shifts to try to save a Martian. Wow. Was that really what her life had become?

As she gazed through the window, Mindy noticed something odd in the reflection. Turning around, she stifled a scream as a slumped figure appeared in her vision.

On pure instinct, Mindy rushed over to the figure. Curled up in the middle of the hallway, he appeared to be asleep. Carefully, she inspected his face.

She gasped. Out of all the things to find in the hallway, she had stumbled upon this one: Mark Watney. Why her?!

Carefully, she spoke, "Hey Mark. Wake up before someone sees you. Hello? Can you hear me? Hello?"

No response came.

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I was having a dream about riding a sentient satellite around the Hab, and suddenly it grew a unicorn horn, which ruptured the wall, and we were being sucked into my grandma's vacuum-

Wait. Where was I? Was someone talking to me?

I opened one eye. A pretty young woman was staring back at me, concerned.

"Mark?" She asked cautiously.

"Hi. Just taking a catnap. Nothing to see here," I responded. 'Please leave' I thought.

"Hm. In the middle of the hallway?" She raised a skeptical eyebrow at me accusingly.

I shrugged innocently. "Why not?"

She sighed. "Want some coffee?" She said randomly, seemingly surprising herself as well.

"That'd be great," I replied. Coffee! Woohoo!

"Come on," she said, and I followed happily, ignoring that little buzz in my head of "STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!"

We walked down a maze of hallways, me getting even more lost as we go. (Zero sense of direction.) We ended up at a plain door near the conference rooms. The plaque in display read:

'Mindy Park: SatCon and Space Paparazzi'

I grinned. I was gonna like this woman.

"Go in," she said, holding the door open for me. The inside was relatively plain, but with some odd additions. There were at least 10 pillows thrown haphazardly around the room, and aluminum foil covered the window. A coffee maker resided on the desk, by the computer, which the woman moved to. There was also a couch. No idea how, but there was. I'm not complaining.

I took a seat, worn out by the simple act of walking down the hall. Pitiful. She handed me a cup of black coffee, which I took gratefully.

"Who are you?" I asked.

She looked at me. "Mindy Park. Why were you sleeping in the hallway?" She fired back.

"Um...," I thought really hard. Why WAS I sleeping in the hallway? "I just got... Tired? And lost. And my feet hurt. Can I borrow your phone?" I prattled stupidly.

Wordlessly, she handed it over. I turned on the keypad and dialed Lewis's number.

"Hello?" She picked up on the third ring.

"Hey. It's Mark. I'm lost somewhere near a big window and can you come get me?" I begged.

"What? How do you not know where you are?!" Her accusing voice berated my ears.

I winced. "Um, I fell asleep... Sorry?"

She sighed. "I'll send someone to come find you, hang on."

I grinned. SAVED! Woo! "Ok. Thanks. Bye," I hang up the phone and give it back to Mindy.

"Wow. Lewis was pissed!" She said, aiming me a look of sympathy.

I grinned sarcastically. "Pissed is a word. 'Angry as a hippie who found an iPhone 16 on their doorstep' is more like it. Or 'as angry as Kylo Ren when he found out that Rey's parents were really-'" I stopped myself. Rambling again.

Mindy laughed. "I'm sure she would appreciate both of those comparisons. Kylo Ren is badass, and she could easily be a hippie, what with her disco obsession."

I smiled. "True. So true," If Lewis ever wanted to leave retirement, I'd reccomend the career of 'Full time hippie' to her. Seriously.

"So. Uh, I saw your plaque. On the door. I have to ask. 'Space Paparazzi'? Seriously?"

She gave me an odd, guarded look. "Oh, I just needed a title for my job. SatCon is mainly pictures, after all." She squirmed, and her eyes begged me to drop the subject. I did, but what was her deal?

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Mindy was seriously close to having a panic attack. No, really. He was in her office. They were having coffee. Like normal people.

It was the strangest thing she'd ever done.

Here was the guy whose life had become her sole purpose for 549 sols, and then she followed him home, and started losing sleep due to nightmares of him having never made it home at all. Why did she care so much?

He aimed a cocky smile at her. "Nice window statement," he said to her, nodding at the foil-covered window. She had put it up in order to not be put off by the sun on an Earth day, as Mars's day was 40 minutes longer, and she was on the Martian time set.

Mindy cringed internally. "Sore subject. Let's just leave it at late nights. Also where the couch came from, by the way. Dr. Kapoor apparently decided that I was loosing productivity, so he got me this couch to sleep on, so I could be gotten if something came up." Oh God. Why did she say that? Now he would wonder, and she new personally that he never let a question sit.

He gave her the aforementioned curious look. "What?" He stated plainly. "Isn't SatCon a pretty regular job?"

"Normally," Mindy replied, finishing the statement in her head with, 'I was just working tirelessly to save your life. But seriously, don't ask me about it. No big deal. Just let me resume my normal life.' But somehow, the prospect of a steady, normal life without his constant presence unnerved her.

Mark gave her an odd look, but dropped it. Just then, a knock came at her door. It opened to reveal Dr. Kapoor and Commander Lewis. Mark stood up to meet them.

"'Sup, guys?" Mark asked with a grin. "Just sharing a coffee with my new friend, Mindy Park. How'd you find me?"

Lewis gave him an aggravated look. "Mark, everyone who sees you immediately scuttles off to tell their friends. We just followed the gossip."

Mark's smile flattened a bit. "Oh. Yeah, I'm a pretty popular guy," he said to Mindy. "Just look at this hot body!" He flexed his skinny arm at her with a cocky look.

Mindy blushed. "Very hot," she agreed sarcastically.

Venkat gave Lewis an exasperated look. "WHY did you go choose back for this guy?"

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I love bugging Venkat. And Lewis. And pretty much everyone I meet.

Lewis shot me an annoyed look. "And to think; I risked jail for this immature idiot!" She gave me a little shove.

"Jail? What jail?" I asked. Seeing Lewis's guilty face, I continued. "What did you guys do?"

Lewis gave me a warning look. "Later. You need to get home and sleep, before Beck kills you."

I groaned. Time to go back to my apartment, pretend to sleep for a while, give up, watch TV, finally sleep for two hours, wake up before dawn, and drink way too much coffee. Yay.

"Okay, whatever. Bye, Mindy. Give me a call sometime. Maybe we can have coffee," I told her, a little cautiously. She was a little odd, but nice. She didn't baby me when she found me in the hall. I say that's a win.

She looked at me happily. "I'd love that. Talk to you later!" She gave me a wave as we exit the office.

I gave Lewis a pointed look as she, Venkat, and I continued down the hall to her car.

"Talk," I ordered.

She shot me an annoyed look. "So, you know the Rich Purnell maneuver?" I nodded. "Well, we got it as a coded file in Vogel's

personal email. NASA had vetoed it-"

"For good reason!" Venkat interjected.

Lewis glared at him, effectively shutting him up. "Yes, there was a reason, so I put it to vote. The unanimous vote was to come get you, and so NASA had to send up a supply probe, or we would all die, which is really bad for PR. Technically, the whole crew could be jailed for disobeying clear government orders, but Martinez and I could have also ended up court marshaled."

My mouth fell open as she talked. "Why did you do that?" I asked incredulously.

Lewis shrugged. "Ask the crew," she answered tiredly. "It would have been worth it to me, anyway."

I gave her a grateful look. "Thank you. Thank you so much." I say that a lot now. Great. Now my sleep deprivation was causing emotions. No! Bad! I WILL NOT react (now). I'll just yell at all of them later. At the same time. She'll love that!

"No problem," Lewis said loftily. "Let's get you home.

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Mindy collapsed onto her spinny chair. 'Well, that could have been worse,' she thought. Actually, wait. It went pretty badly. The one topic she REALLY didn't want to discuss came up. Mindy had no idea why she didn't want Mark to know that she was the one who noticed he was alive. Maybe she just wanted him to treat her as the average human she knew she was.

Mark seemed nice, at least. And he wanted to see her again! Mindy smiled. Wait. Why did she care? It's not like the questions she wanted to ask we're socially acceptable. 'Hey, Mark. When you were on Mars, did you think you would die?' See? Not acceptable.

Oh well. Mindy was just glad to have seen him in person. She had been glued to the television as it aired the Ares III landing, and had wept uncontrollably as he set foot on the launch pad, and took a sick day from work to recover. Seeing him in person proved to be difficult, as he had been held up in medical recovery for two months, and had just not crossed paths with him since he had come back to work.

No, she wasn't going to seek him out like some impulsive teenager. Come on, how lame would that be?! It was bad enough that she had basically been his stalker for 3 years as he tried to get home. Exhausted, Mindy packed up her laptop and headed home.

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I am a lazy person now, courtesy of my forced inactivity. Driving around for weeks straight will do that to you. As I laid on my couch mindlessly watching TV, I thought about what Lewis had said.

And I came to this conclusion: No one was in jail because NASA had covered up the mutiny, which had most likely been sent by Mitch Henderson, who still had his job, because NASA had pretended that the message has never been sent against the rules. So no one could get in trouble or get court marshaled, because 'What Mutiny?'

Man, if that ever got out, a whole bunch of people would be in deep shit, including the big bosses because they kept a military matter secret from the military. I have effectively caused a nation-wide mystery, that will hopefully never be solved. Plus a small matter of another 6 billion dollars of national debt, which I hoped WOULD be fixed. It would suck if they made ME pay for it, but totally fair. One issue: I don't have 6 billion dollars in my pocket.

Anyway, I was watching some stupid kids' show where George Washington was beating up Santa the Kidnapper. Why do we show this stuff to our youth?! If I were president, I would make kids' shows be about... SURVIVING! Give our kids something to help them later! Not the singing animal crap that everyone seams to think that kids need.

It was about 1:30 AM when the stupid show finally ended. Why was I still awake? Because... INSOMNIA! Yay! Note the sarcasm! I remembered enough from that one sleeping pill I took when I thought the Hab would breach after I cut part of it out to know that me + pills = bad.

I really needed some magic spell to cure my inability to sleep on command. Seriously, that would be an epic superpower.

Something new cane on the TV, but I stopped paying attention. I was thinking about that woman, Mindy. What was her deal? She seemed nice enough, and was really friendly to me. But she appeared to be really, well, scared. Was I that intimidating?

Maybe I still looked a bit too thin, or fragile somehow. Maybe she was just deathly terrified of astronauts. (If so, then why was she at NASA?!) One thing I miss about being stuck in quarantine: less scary people. Less people in general, actually.

A lot of people followed me around now. My crew, a boatload of doctors, a nice collection of reporters, and some random people. And a few kids who wanted an autograph. It's flattering, but a bit overwhelming.

Anyway, I tried another way to sleep: Trying to remember every thought I had trying to sleep the past day. I just end up thinking around in circles until I got bored enough to sleep.

Yup. My life sucks now. G'night (hopefully).


	2. Rain

**A/N: I'm positively amazed at the response to this story. 115 views in three days! You guys are the bomb. This chapter wasn't all I wanted it to be, but I felt that anything I added would only muddy it up. I kinda had to write about rain, because I got a week off due to it, which was why I am able to post this without (a lot of) apprehension. So, here you go! Chapter 2!**

The next day at NASA, I was just kinda hanging around in the main room when I heard dripping water. Where was it coming from? I really wanted to go find my Pathfinder murdering drill and gouge a hole in the wall until I found the leak, but I don't think that would classify as 'Socially Acceptable.' Damn. It was driving me nuts. I stole a glance outside, and what did I see? Rain. Yup. I totally overreacted. It's a little scary, how easily I can be put off now.

'I gotta go touch it. Right now,' I thought compulsively. Running to the door, I threw it open and darted to the driveway. I tipped my head up, and let the rain splatter on my face. Man, if never thought about this before, but it's so WEIRD that water just falls from the sky. When did that become a thing?

I didn't want to go back inside. It just seemed like such a novelty, spontaneous water dropping from the sky. Like, 'Hey! Free water! Just cause we feel like it! Unlike our asshole cousin Mars, we want you to live!' Our atmosphere is so cool. Why do we even bother with a space program? Earth rocks!

Anyway, I just stood out there for a while, drenching my new sweatshirt. If you look up during a shower, it looks like the sky is falling on you. Bizarre.

How did rain become a thing, anyway? Martinez would say that God just made it that way, but I'm not sure if I buy that. Hey, I'm a man of science! Not as sciencey as Vogel, though, who would tell me some chemistry shit, which I don't want to think about. It's boring! But seriously, rain. It's odd. And storms are weirder, what with them literally making electricity. I can't decide if storms are more cool or dangerous, because one did its best to kill me. More thought is required.

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Mindy hated rain. It was wet, cold, and really inconvenient. She coasted by the door on her way to the break room. Suddenly, there was a giant clap of thunder. Mindy startled, and glared out the window. 'Stupid storm,' She thought, shaking her head.

As she gazed out the glass panes of the door, she saw something strange. There was a big shape running around sporadically outside. As Mindy pushed open the door, a screaming sound met her ears. As she cautiously approached the figure, she saw that it was a man, darting around randomly like a drunk, and screaming his head off.

"Hey!" Mindy called. The figure turned to her.

Oh God. Not again. It was Mark Watney.

Why did the universe hate her so much?!

She never got the chance to ponder that question, however, because Mark was barreling towards her at top speed.

"RUN!" He shouted as he grabbed her arm. She was pulled off balance, and fell into a puddle. Mindy had grabbed onto Mark's wrist, so he tumbled after her.

"WHAT THE FUCK, WATNEY?!" Mindy screamed at him, scrambling to her feet. He gave her a terrified glance.

"It thundered! Thunder equals storm! Storm equals DEATH!" He babbled randomly.

Mindy sighed, annoyed. "Mark, get inside," she said tiredly.

He shot her a desperate look. "But how will we escape?!"

Mindy rolled her eyes sadly. "Just... Come in." She begged. The storm was cold!

Mark gave her puppy eyes. "Okay," he said, resigned.

"Thank you," Mindy said, and she led him to the door.

As they passed the front desk, the clerk gave them an odd but sympathetic look. "Stuck in the rain?" She asked.

Mindy glanced at Mark, who was staring at the floor. "Yeah, it's really pouring now; isn't it?" She told the clerk, who nodded. Mindy grabbed Mark's arm, and dragged him to the SatCon break room.

"Why were you out in a thunderstorm?" She asked incredulously, handing him a blanket from the emergency supplies. Mark gave her a weird look as he sat down. "Mark," she pressed.

"Um.. Well..," he stammered, "I... I just had to touch it. You know, to make sure it's real. And guess what?" He raised his eyebrows and wrapped the blanket around himself. "It was real! Uh, you can tell, 'cause were both soaked."

Mindy gave him a glare. "No shit," she responded. "What was with tackling me?"

Mark stared at the ceiling. "You weren't moving. You might have died. I had to help. Dying sucks. I can personally attest to that."

Mindy sighed. "Mark, he probability of getting struck with lightning is so low, people barely even think about it. Seriously, what gives?"

He looked at her sadly. "I.. Just... Really hate storms. You know, sol 6 and all. And cause I almost died, it's almost essential for me to steer clear of them. But I just had to go touch it. I mean, water that falls from the sky. Pretty weird, huh? But then it thundered and my amygdala just had a flip out. Fight or flight still on overload. And.. I just felt the instinct to help you. Uh, sorry you're wet now," he finished sheepishly.

Mindy grinned, getting herself a blanket. "Eh. I got a free shower!" There was a moment of silence, then they both burst out laughing.

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I liked Mindy. She didn't seem too pissed that I tackled her into a puddle. And she understood that I HAD to see the rain. It just seemed... Right, I don't know. I'm no sap.

I looked up at Mindy. She was curled up in her blanket with a cup of coffee. She caught my eye and I smiled. She grinned back, but her teeth were chattering.

"Cold?" I asked, concerned.

"A bit," she replied.

"But you have coffee," I pointed out. "Coffee solves every problem we have!"

Mindy laughed. "Mark, coffee may have kept me awake for two and a half years, but it isn't a holy grail."

I was confused. Coffee was perfect! 100% perfect! I really didn't get her. Time to be invasive and annoying!

"So, what EXACTLY is your job?" I asked.

Mindy glared at me. "I manage satellites, just like everyone assigned to SatCon," she said in a guarded way. "What did you think I did?"

I gave her a look. "Which satellites?"

"Um... I'm in charge of the MRO and Super Surveyor 3," she told me. Great. Mars.

"How long?" I asked.

She squirmed. "Um, maybe... 3 and a half years? But I've worked at SatCon for 5."

3 years... 533 days with the Rich Purnell Maneuver, plus my 549 sols on Mars...

"So you started watching Mars during Ares 3 and didn't stop at sol 6? You were stalking me?" I was astounded.

She gave me a pained look. "Well.. Maybe..."

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Oh God. He knew. Mindy was freaking out. Mark was giving her a hard-to-decipher look, and she felt constricted.

"So you were watching me. For 3 years. When did you sleep? A sol is 40 minutes longer than a day." He asked, confused.

"I slept when you did. That's why there was foil over the window," Mindy responded, embarrassed. And cold. NASA was a cold place, and being wet too sucked.

Mark was looking at her oddly.

"What?" Mindy asked, bemused.

Mark stood up, came over to her, and draped his blanket over her shoulders. "Thank you. Thank you so much. Holy shit, you saved my life. Just, wow. Wow. Shit. Thank you so fucking much."

Mindy wrapped the blankets around herself tighter. "Please don't make a big deal about it. I was just at the right monitor at the right time. I didn't do anything, and I wish people would shut up about me being so special. Just, please don't bring it up-"

Mindy was suddenly silenced as Mark wrapped his arms around her. She buried her head in his shoulder, squeezing him hard.

Mark spoke from her side, voice slightly muffled by her hair. "Mindy Park, you are one of my 4 favorite females on this planet, rivaled only by Lewis, Johanssen, and my mom."

Mindy squeezed him harder. "But I didn't do anyth-"

Again she was cut off by Mark, who pulled her tighter to his chest. For no reason apparent to her, Mindy began to cry. She just clung to Mark's shirt, and he stroked her hair as she sobbed. Eh. At least he was warm. Mindy found herself relaxing into his embrace.

"Thank you," she said to Mark. He just looked at her and smiled knowingly. Man, he was awesome.

She was being oddly emotional, and told herself it was just happening because she was tired and overwhelmed. And, oh my God, she was so embarrassed. Mindy hardly ever cried, and all the recent instances had something to do with Mark.

Speaking of Mark, he was looking at her in a very bizarre way.

"What?" Mindy asked.

Mark gave her a small smile. "Will you go to the movies with me?" He asked suddenly. Mindy stopped. "Just as friends," he clarified, embarrassed.

Mindy sighed in relief. "What movie?" She asked. Mark shot her an elated grin.

"How about... One of those late-night screenings of Star Wars. I think that either VII or VIII is playing on Friday. Up for it?"

Mindy thought. There was a weekend the next day, so she could get some recovery sleep. Star Wars was awesome. Mark was awesome. And she loved the movies.

"Sounds great," Mindy replied. "What time?"

Mark gave her hand a squeeze. "I'll be in touch. What's your number?"

Mindy told him, and he promised to text her.

They said goodbye, and parted ways as he went to his car to go home. 'Well. That didn't go nearly as badly as I thought it would,' Mindy thought to herself. She pulled out her tablet and got back to work, snuggling into her blankets contentedly.


	3. Star Wars!

**A/N: Greetings Earthlings! I know this is late. I had a lot of work to do in real life, but I still got this out. I typed it up faster than usual, so I apologize in advance for typos. Anyway, chapter 3. Enjoy!**

I am so screwed. So very screwed. I invited a woman to the movies who I had talked to all of twice (Not counting those 1.5 years of extreme 'me watching' on her part), and I am hilariously bad at people now. Actually, it was 1.5 MARS years, but closer to 2.5 EARTH years. Not sure if that's better or worse.

Anyway, yup. I suck at social skills now. This kind old lady at the grocery store almost gave me a panic attack by asking me to hold her potatoes as she tried (and failed) to tear a plastic bag. So I just stood there holding the potatoes (DEATH TO SPUDS), and unrealized that I was in the Kroger down my street, and suddenly I was back outside the Hab, trying to find out how to fit JUST THREE MORE POTATOES into the trailer. Three potatoes could mean the difference between life and death. I almost refused to give the lady back her spuds.

Anyway, yup. I am so screwed. Mindy was... Cool. And smart (NASA, duh). And really needed to stop being so self-deprecating. I mean, she saved my fucking life. Wow. Just wow. Mindy seriously needed a crash course in her own awesomeness. And she wasn't exactly bad looking, either.

Where the hell did that thought come from?

I blame the whole "No women for over a year and that beautiful Martian queen never showed her green face," thing. And the fact that I am not exactly a catch to begin with, so any girl who talked to me was good in my book.

Well, technically Lewis and Johanssen talked to me, but Lewis was married (and scary), and Johanssen was off with Beck. My mom still bugged me about how she had no grandchildren. Eh. Kids are little shits.

So, back to the problem at hand: How on Earth (Or Mars) did I convince a woman to go to the movies with me? And was this a date? I don't know, but if she thinks it's a date, I'm not gonna correct her.

Just sayin'.

Anyway, at least she liked Star Wars. That was a deal or no-deal point. Well, NOT the prequels. The original trilogy was the best, of course. And the sequels weren't bad at all. But still, no fucking Jar Jar Binks in my house!

So now, I need to find out how the heck to text her without copying her favorite form of interacting: stalking.

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Mindy's phone dinged. She picked it up and unlocked it, only to have this display on her messages screen:

8:56

Unknown Number: Jar Jar Binks is stupid. How are you?

Mindy cocked an eyebrow. She had a sneaking suspicion about who was texting her.

8:57

Mindy: Well, seeing as I am not Jar Jar, great. How is that wart on your back?

8:58

Unknown Number: Touché. And I'll have you know that it is a MARTIAN wart, which is totally different and way cooler.

Mindy chuckled, and added the number to her contacts list.

9:00

Mindy: Oh, yeah, SO much cooler. Anyway, you owe me a movie. When are you gonna fix that?

9:01

Mark: 10 on Friday. Episode VII. You'll be there?

9:02

Mindy: Sure, sounds great. And Mark, you really need a new pick-up line.

9:03

Mark: Noted.

Mindy put her phone down, and went to go make herself a cup of tea. It always calmed her mind. So, Mark had awful texting skills. For some reason, she liked knowing that. Probably because everyone knew everything about him already, so knowing something else made him seem more... Human.

'I wonder if Mark likes dogs,' thought Mindy. She liked dogs. Big ones, like Labradors or Golden Retrievers. They were always up for a romp. Cats were also good, whenever you needed company, but not too much attention.

'Mark should probably get a cat,' Mindy mused. It wouldn't crowd him, but would offer some company.

Actually, Mark should get a fish. He loves water, fish are easily maintainable, and it's not a big deal when they die. 'Morbid much?' Mindy thought to herself.

Mindy really needed to get a life other than musing about what animals people should adopt.

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I was in my car on the way to the theater, wearing a Princess Leia wig. Laugh all you want, it kept my ears warm. It also worked as a pretty good disguise. I mean, it drew attention to me, but no more than usual.

Mindy said she'd meet me here, and the movie started in 20 minutes. I drove in circles around the parking lot looking for her, but to no avail. I just gave up and pulled into a space. As I tried to inconspicuously approach the doors, I heard a voice call my name.

"Where you been? I was here half an hour ago!" Mindy said to me. Her hair was blowing in the wind, and her cheeks were pink.

"I don't like go be early," I replied.

Mindy then noticed my amazing hair. "Is that... A Princess Leia wig?" She asked, mystified.

I shrugged. "Keeps my ears warm," I responded lamely.

She looked at me dubiously. "I find it hard to believe that's the only reason, Mark," she said, exasperated.

I sighed. "Well, maybe people stare for different reasons than normal. It's a nice change."

Mindy looked at me sympathetically. "Ok," she replied. Then she grinned. "Move your lazy ass and come see the movie!"

I laughed and followed her up to the doors of the theater, my beautiful hair attracting a few odd looks. Whatever. At least I was getting laughed at, instead of being shot looks of sympathy.

Wow. My life certainly sucks if a "good day" is one where I get laughed at.

Mindy handed me a small slip of paper. "It's your ticket," she responded to my unasked question.

"But I was gonna buy the tickets," I whined. "More money spent on my behalf is not good. Seriously."

Mindy gave me a look. "Mark, suck it up and let's go watch Star Wars."

I couldn't find fault with that logic, so I followed her into the theater.

"Ooh!" Mindy squealed. "Look in the arcade! That grabber game has a stuffed potato monster!" She grabbed my hand and pulled me over to it.

"Play," she commanded, handing me 50¢.

"Whatever, Park." I responded, and put the coins in. The game booted up, and started playing corny music at me. I maneuvered the claw over the glaring potato monster, and hit the big red button.

I've always wanted to hit a big red button.

The claw sunk over the toy, but didn't grasp it.

"Oh well," I said, turning back to the hallway.

"Wait!" Mindy yelled.

I spun around. "What?"

She glared at me. "Come try again!"

I sighed. "Mindy, those things are rigged. Remember that article in '24?"

She gave me puppy eyes. "But Mark, it wants to come home with us!"

I looked at the potato. It glared at some point over my shoulder, mouth gaping open.

"Fine," I said, resigned. She gave me a few more coins, and I popped them in. I put the claw over the potato, and hit the button. It lowered down, and lo and behold, it grabbed the angry spud.

"WOOHOO!" Mindy yelled, grabbing the damn potato. "Look Mark! It likes you!" She said with a goofy grin, dangling the thing in my face.

"Yay," I said monotonously. "Now can we please go?"

"Fine," Mindy said, cuddling the potato. We proceeded to the theater.

(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)

Mindy sat in the theater, trying to pay attention to the opening crawl. Somehow, it wasn't as interesting as she remembered. She gave the potato monster a squeeze, and glanced over at Mark, who was staring at the screen in a state of rapture.

Mindy leaned over to whisper, "Doesn't it bother you that there's sound in space?"

Mark looked over and grinned. "A bit, but I got over it pretty quickly."

Mindy nodded, and tried to focus on the movie. However, she couldn't help alternating her attention between the movie and Mark. Watching him watch Star Wars was more interesting than just watching it. That was probably an issue. 'Mindy, you're not a stalker anymore. Stalking is now officially above your pay grade.' It was a strangely comforting thought.

This theater was cold. Why are they always uncomfortable? The universe was definitely conspiring against her. Mindy had often pondered the question, 'If you could go back in time and tell yourself one thing, what would it be?' A lot of people probably said "Break up with that guy!" Or, "Take that job," or something normal.

Not her! If Mindy could tell her past self one thing, it would be, "Tell that asshole Mark Watney to secure the comm dish better. " What her past self would do with that message was unknown, but hopefully it would help Mark to not get stuck on Mars, and hopefully she could avoid some late nights.

Speaking of Mark, he was trying to get her attention.

"What?" Mindy whispered.

Mark grinned and whispered back, "Don't you like all the little nods to Rey's parentage in this movie? And back in '15 people couldn't take a hint!"

"Yeah, we were all stupid in '15. Shut up and watch the movie," Mindy replied.

Mark saluted and returned his attention to the screen. Mindy rolled her eyes. He was hopeless. And full of it. But she guessed he was entitled to it. Whatever would make him happy, he could probably get it. And people would be happy cause he was. Empathy was a weird thing that all humams seemed to need to be happy. If that was the case, then how on Earth was he still here?

Mindy shook herself and tried (again) to focus on the movie, but just wasn't captivating. Also, she'd had more than enough experience staring at space on a screen.

How was it that all the planets in the inner and outer rims all had sustainable atmospheres? Seriously. Mars doesn't. Unfair. Well, unfair to Mark.

Mindy would love to go ask George Lucas about that, but he probably didn't have a good explanation.

Sighing, she looked back at the screen in time to see Kylo Ren square off with Poe Dameron on Jakku. She turned her attention fully to the movie, and zoned out.

(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)

I remember when The Force Awakens just came out. Me and my high school buddies dressed up as a giant Jabba the Hutt, like the Chinese New Year dragon. Us idiots all stood under a green tarp with a smiley face that my girlfriend had drawn on it (she wasn't there). We walked up to the ticket booth, but the guy wouldn't let us in. So we snuck in the service door, courtesy of my friend Sam, who worked there as a janitor.

As soon as we walked in, the manager came and told us to take off the costume, which we did. The only thing we were wearing under it were some slave Leia costumes. That went over real well with the kids.

I smiled at the memory as I walked out of the theater with Mindy.

"So, what'd you think?" I asked her as we meandered towards my car.

She grinned, brandishing her stupid potato monster in my face. "LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER!" She said in her best Darth Vader impression (which sucked). "And look at Mr. Spudsy!"

I stopped and glared at her for a full three seconds. "Mindy, that is the single worst name I've heard since Miley Cyrus had a kid."

Mindy pouted at me. "Well, I need ideas!" She said indignantly.

I shrugged. "Okay. Um... Sucky Pants. Disgusting. Mr. Super Horrible Man. The Thing from the Place. Motherfucker. Goodbye It's Die Time. Shit Creature. Shall I go on?"

Mindy slugged me in the arm. "Asshole. Um... I know! Drumroll please..." I rolled my eyes. "Okay, fine. Be that way. Its name is... POOTATO!" She threw her arms in the air and looked at me, eyebrows raised in triumph.

"Goodbye," I said, climbing in my car and locking the doors. Mindy tapped the window, but I wasn't about to let her win that easily. She put her face on the glass. "MARK! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE!" She shouted.

"Didn't you drive yourself?" I asked, smirking. She glared at me.

"No! My friend Carl dropped me off in his way home! My car stalled out in the middle if the road. I thought YOU would drive me home!" Mindy ranted, climbing onto the hood of my car. "I won't get off until you let me in," she told me stubbornly.

I shrugged. "Suit yourself," I said, and started the car, drivIng slowly out of my parking space. Mindy screamed, and turned to give me the finger. I laughed, and inched the car to the exit of the parking lot.

Mindy yelled, "FINE! What do you want?" I smirked. "Well, I kinda want a burger. Or a taco." She glared at me. I continued. "But what I want from YOU is... Well, I kinda forgot. Um...," I glanced around, and saw that goddamn potato monster. "I want you to let me draw in your potato!" I declared.

Mindy looked like she wasn't sure if she should be angry or amused. She decided on the second one, laughing as she climbed into my car.

"Here," she said, passing the potato to me. I pulled a Sharpie out of my glovebox, and considered the angry spud. After thinking for a while, I added a speech bubble on his side.

Mindy leaned over to read it. "'I'm an asshole!' Really, Mark?!" She asked, exasperated.

I shrugged. "It's true,"

Mindy rolled her eyes. I pulled the car out onto the road, and followed her directions to her apartment. We made small talk about the weather and stuff, and how Beck and Johanasen were doing an awful job concealing their relationship.

We eventually got to the building, a modest but not fancy complex a few miles from JSC.

Mindy turned to me. "Well, bye Mark. His was fun."

"Yeah. So, uh... Bye?" I groaned at my own awkwardness. Mindy laughed, and gave me a short hug. Her hair smelled like flowers.

"See you at work, Mark," she said, and I waved as she walked up to the door. I watcher her to inside, and started back to my apartment.

When I got home, I flopped on my bed, and stared at the ceiling. Time to fail at sleeping!

For the first time since I got home, it only took me a few minutes to fall asleep. Huh. Wonder why.


	4. Call From Home

4

 **A/N: Hey. I know this is** ** _really_** **late, but finals week took its toll, as did a small phenomenon called life. Anyway, here is Chapter 4! Hope you like it, and thanks for all the support and help with this fic. So get ready for Mark and Mindy: The Most Awkward Ship on Earth!**

Mindy wasn't sure what was going on. Well, that wasn't true. She knew that she was in in SatCon, and at her usual desk, with an image of Schiaparelli Crater on her screen. However, Venkat, Teddy, Annie, and Mitch were there, breathing down her neck like they did during Ares III.

"What are you doing here?" Mindy asked, earning her an annoyed look from Annie.

"Cut the shit, Park. We're here for an update on Watney's accident with the MAV fuel plant."

Mindy's heart skipped a beat. "Wha.. What do you mean? He's been home for three months! I went to the movies with him last week! He won me a potato monster in one of the grabber games!"

Venkat gave her a concerned look. "Are you sure you're getting enough sleep?" Mindy nodded, confused, and growing more worried by the second. "Maybe you should take a day off…"

Annie shoved him. "Dumbass, she's delusional, or PMS-ing, or had a weird dream or something."

Mindy glanced anxiously at Mitch. "What happened? What accident?"

Mitch looked to Teddy, who nodded. "Well, he was electrolyzing his remaining water, when the existing fuel caught flame from friction. You notified us of evidence of an explosion, which you can clearly see on the north side. And, here we are. That was yesterday."

Turning her full attention to the picture on her screen that was taken by Super Surveyor 3, Mindy noticed that the MAV was missing its northern landing strut, and there were blackened streaks spreading across the surrounding landscape.

"Have we gotten any messages from him?" She asked Venkat, who shrugged.

"Not last time I checked, but we're asking you. So, have _you_ gotten any messages?"

Mindy checked the photo schedule taped to her computer screen. "No… but we're due for another picture in three minutes. The explosion wiped out his comm, as you can see by this 'N/A' by the readings. From the next pic, we can see how damaged the MAV actually is, because of the angle it'll be at. It… It might not be able to fly anymore," she said, her breath hitching on the last word. "And… who else knows about this?"

Annie glared at the screen. "No one but us five. I'm not telling the press until we know more."

Teddy nodded at her. "Wise choice. And now, we wait."

So they did, Mindy feeling disoriented and nervous. Soon enough, the image came through. A Morse code message was clearly visible near the rover, and the MAV looked the same.

"What's it say, Park?" Mitch asked, frowning as he noted the condition of the MAV.

Mindy had read enough Morse code by now that she didn't even need a translation sheet. "Um… 'FUEL BLEW. STAGE TWO ENGINE DAMAGED. HOLE IN SIDE OF SHIP AND IN FUEL CANISTER. CA'-" Mindy gasped, hiding her head in her hands and trying not to sob.

"What?!" Annie yelled. "What the hell is it?"

Mindy look back up at the screen, remembering she had to finish translating the message. "'CAN'T FIX IT. CAN'T FLY.'"

There was a moment of silence.

"FUCK!" Annie screamed, as Venkat put his head in his hands and sighed. Teddy grimaced, and Mitch threw up his arms and stomped out of the room. Mindy saw her desk loom over her head as she fell to the floor, and her vision faded to black.

(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)

Mindy sat up, breathing hard. As her eyes adjusted to the dark, she saw the farmiliar outline of her bedroom. She looked at her clock. 2:16. Sighing, she closed her eyes.

It was just a dream.

She breathed for a few minutes, allowing her heart rate to return to normal, before putting on her slippers and walking into the kitchen. Opening the fridge, she pulled out a Coke and went to sit down at her table. Unfortunately, her chair was taken by a certain potato monster named Pootato. It gazed across the room at some random thing, and Mindy picked it up for a cuddle.

"Thank God Mark is here," she said, squeezing the little guy until she felt better. But then the tears came.

Mindy had been having nightmares about Mark since… about Sol 34? 35? Somewhere in there. And after he was back aboard the Hermes, they didn't stop. If anything, they became worse.

Every time, he was killed or convicted to death in some new way. The rover broke down, he got fatal anemia, _something_ exploded, or the Hermes never got there for some reason. One time, he was held for ransom by angry Martians with "GO HOME YANKEE" signs. (That was a weird day.)

Mindy couldn't get used to the idea of him being safe. Even though she saw him just yesterday, and he made his rounds on the news regularly. In fact, the tabloids at the drugstore were convinced he was going out with Annie Montrose, as she found out last time she needed Advil. That was funny, until the cashier have her an odd look for laughing so hard.

"Why am I awake, Pootato?" She asked the toy, who didn't respond, naturally. 2 AM was one of her wake up times last year with Watney (along with countless others).

'Oh,' she thought. 'I'm on Mars time.' When she was stressed, or drunk, or sick, her body tended to revert its circadian rhythm back to her natural(ish) cycle of a year and a half. It was a pain in the ass, because she had very few options of stuff to do at those odd times.

However, there was no such thing as "Sensible Hours" at NASA, so she could always go to work. But work was relatively quiet at night, and it had calmed down in the past few months. Well, except for the PR department. They were still dealing with royalties and legal settlements and investigations and the press vultures. So, of course, Annie Montrose became one of the regulars to the coffee maker many times a day.

Mindy knew that coffee stand very well.

She gazed out the window at the sky. Due to the rapid increase in air pollution in the recent years, she could barely see the stars. That was maybe the only thing she envied Mark about: the amazing views he had seen. On the Tonight Show last month, the host had asked him if he missed anything about Mars. He had said, "Only the view. The planet itself had an asshole personality, but God, it was beautiful. Kind of like my high school girlfriend..."

It was funny to think about Mark's life before Mars; before the Ares program at all. Mindy knew that he had grown up in a normal, upper middle-class family, and had had a dog named Sparky back in Chicago. She knew that he almost failed his botany Masters degree because he forgot to show up to the final. She had to smile at his antics. He still joked, still had the morbid sense of humor, and was as vulgar as ever, but when he thought no one was looking, she saw his eyes fix to a point in the distance, and the corners of his mouth turn down. She knew what he was thinking about. It was the same thing she was thinking about.

Mindy's phone started playing the beginning of "Pompeii" by Bastille. Her ringtone was a throwback to her childhood, and she still loved the song. The caller ID said that it was her dad. Mindy felt her stomach drop to the floor. Getting a call from your parents at 2:30 AM usually meant something was wrong. She fumbled for the phone, dropping it before managing to hit the answer button.

"Hello?" She said, her voice shaking.

"Mindy? It's Dad," said the voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey, dad," Mindy's voice quavered. "What's wrong? Is mom okay? What about Dalia? Oh my God, are you in the hospital?!"

"Woah, slow down," her dad said, a little taken aback. "First of all, everyone's fine. Second, I'm insulted that you asked about the stupid cat before asking about me!"

Mindy sighed. "Okay. Great. And I love Dalia more. Sorry you had to find out this way... So why'd you call?"

"To say I approve," he said. "Although, you could have told me before I saw it on the cover of _People_ in the checkout line at Kroger."

Mindy arched an eyebrow. "What?" She asked, perplexed. "What are you talking about? And why the hell are you awake?"

Her dad gave a little laugh. "I could ask you the same thing."

"Um... Don't tell mom?"

"As long as it's not drugs or that boyfriend of yours," her dad replied.

"Okay," Mindy said, taking a breath. "So sometimes I wake up on Mars time.. Wait. What boyfriend?!" She asked incredulously.

"Why, Watney, of course!" Her dad said happily. "That's why I called: to say 'good job'!"

Mindy sighed, putting her head on the table. "Oh my God, dad, where the hell did you hear that?" She asked, trying to decide whether to laugh or panic. She chose somewhere in between.

"The tabloids in the grocery store, of course!" Her dad crowed. "They had photos of you with him on the movies last week, and one of you and him in his car, driving away." He was definitely laughing now. Mindy was not.

"Who took the photos?!" She asked, glaring angrily at Pootato, thinking 'Was it you?' before realizing that stuffed animals couldn't operate a camera. She _really_ needed to get more sleep.

"Who knows?" Her dad said happily. "And who cares? I've been waiting for grandchildren forever! That's why we had you!"

Mindy tried not to scream. "Dad, take a fucking chill pill! We're not even dating, much less getting to work on your posterity! Oh shit, what did mom say?!" Her mother's temper was not to be underestimated.

"Oh, she was ticked that you didn't tell us, but was happy that you might be showing some signs of settling down, and letting go of your stressful, dead-end job." Her dad said, his voice gaining a bit of a scolding tone at the end. Neither of her parents really liked her job, much less the amount of time she spent there during the fiasco that was the last couple of years.

"Dad, come on," Mindy said, exasperated. "First of all, Mark isn't my boyfriend. Make sure mom knows that. And he's only here with us because of the organization I work with!"

Her dad huffed. "He wouldn't even have been in that situation if your company didn't exist. And you called him Mark!" His voice grew teasing. "The whole world, even his closest friends, aren't on first name basis, but _you_ are? Seems like love!"

Mindy groaned. "So why were you up?" She asked, deliberately changing the subject.

"Dalia tripped the smoke alarm by stepping on the starter dial for the stove. I hate that damn cat. Why can't you take her? And what the hell is with her name?!

Mindy laughed. "Dalia is always up to something. It's part of why I love her. And you know my building doesn't allow pets, otherwise she's be here with me. About her name: I got her during a storm right after Pathfinder crapped out on Watney. I called her 'Acidalia' in honor of him, 'cause the region he was stuck on was called Acidalia Platitia."

"Named your pet for your boyfriend? Sounds like love! Bye sweetie, I'm hanging up before you process this sentence. Have a good day and call your mother!" Her dad said quickly, and Mindy heard the dial tone in her ear.

She sighed. Her parents were odd, but she still loves them. And honestly she had bigger problems.

What would Mark say when he found out?!


	5. Annie is Ticked (As Per Usual)

**A/N: So, um, hey. This is like, really late. But progress seems to work like this: I've got nothing until one night the muse kicks me in the butt and I'm writing on my phone until 1:00AM. So, anyway, please enjoy.**

I awoke to my phone dinging at 3:00 AM. After knocking it (and my clock) off my nightstand, and a lot of swearing, I clicked it on to show notifications. Let's see... Weather report, arguments over who won the Olympics, Grumpy Cat meme from Martinez... The usual stuff. Oh, and a text from Mindy.

3:02

Mindy: don't go to kroger for about two weeks

Okay... What? That's one of the weirdest messages I've gotten in a while (excluding drunk Beck last month. Now, that was funny).

3:04

Mark: why?

3:05

Mindy: stupid tabloids. you're on the cover again

3:06

Mark: shit. what for?

3:06

Mindy: um

3:07

Mark: TELL ME

3:08

Mindy: just shop somewhere else. HEB is usually late to the news. buy your potatoes there

3:10

Mark: haha. i don't buy potatoes. and seriously why

3:11

Mindy: some vulture saw us at star wars and now they're freaking out

3:12

Mark: craaaaap:(

3:13

Mindy: yeah

I hate the paparazzi. Well, at least the Terran branch. Interplanetary paparazzi (aka Mindy) saved my life, so I don't hate her. To the contrary, it's always surprised me how she doesn't give herself any credit. I mean, adapting to the time switch alone is worthy of a medal! Hey, that's a good idea!

3:15

Mark: meet me in the break room at 7 in astrodynamics. no one's ever there because rich freaks them out.

3:16

Mindy: lol ok. see you there

I am really sick of how the world can't let it go. I mean, WOW. There's much more interesting things going on. That protest in Washington about raising the minimum wage, that was interesting. And the shooting in Oregon definitely deserved more recognition and sympathy than me. I mean, I'm literally last year's news (we touched down in December, and it's March now).

Anyway, it was 3 AM and I was awake. Fucking great. Did I mention I'm not a morning person? 'Cause I'm just not; ask Lewis. Getting me (and Johanssen, who I'm pretty sure is nocturnal) up in the morning was probably the hardest thing she did all day.

So what do I have to do today? I picked up my phone.

"Hey, Miranda," I said to the sort-of AI living inside, kind of like how Siri used to be in the old iPhones.

"Good morning, Captain Blondebeard," she said in a cool, measured voice. "How may I help you today?"

"What do I have to do today?" I asked, hoping "shrinks" wasn't anywhere on the list.

"Your schedule for today reads, '0830: arrive at work for whatever they make you do, then procrastinate. 1015: Lunch with crew. 1100: Get your ass out of the restaurant. 1130: Hide in bathroom to avoid Annie. 1215: Hide in staff room instead so people don't get suspicious. 0130: Find Martinez and bug him. 0215: Find Johanssen or Beck and tease them about their counterpart. 0300: Find Venkat and actually do something out of boredom. 0445: Bring Mindy a cup of Starbucks. 0530: Go home and watch TV until you fall asleep." Miranda said, with a completely level voice as I chuckled a bit. I always worded my stuff weirdly so I could have a laugh in the morning.

"Add 'Meet Mindy in astrodynamics break room' at 0700 today."

"I have set the event," Miranda said. "Would you like to turn on repeat for this event?"

Hm. Do I want to? Yes. Will it actually happen? Probably not.

"No, thank you Miranda," I sighed, as she shut down and my phone displayed its home screen. Well, now it's 3 AM and do you know where your children are? I have no idea what to do. Wow, I've probably said that a lot. Like, seriously, who the hell let me into space?! They were lucky I didn't open the doors in the Hermes to "see what would happen". Coincidentally, that's also how my mom's Honda got a new mega-window. But that's a story for another time.

Anyway, to the motherbox! I slid my laptop across the bed and clicked through to my email. Let's see... Spam, more spam, weekly reminders to come to work, even more spam, TV show, talk show, another TV show, somehow even more spam, email from my lawyer (I'll read that later), National Geographic, and a school in Minnesota. Relatively quiet day, I guess! Hopefully it'll stay that way.

I closed and plugged in my laptop (free power! In the wall!) and trudged to my coffee maker. Hitting the triple-shot button, I got out a mug from Lewis that said, "Disco King!" in big rainbow letters. I really hate that mug, but I use it when I don't trust my coordination. I wouldn't be devastated if it broke and shattered into a million tiny pieces, got pissed on by a dog, and was launched into the sun to incinerate.

I filled my cup, and flopped on my recliner, turning on the TV to a fluffy blue bear asking if I wanted a milkshake. As a matter of fact, yes! That'd be great! I sort of channel surfed for a while, and the next time I saw a clock, it was 5:45. I have no idea how that happened. I probably blanked out. Time to take a shower. Blah.

(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)

As I walked through NASA to the astrodynamics department, I saw a hapless intern being berated by Annie.

"...AND IF I EVER HEAR YOU POSTED A PICTURE OF YOUR HAMSTER WITHOUT MY PERMISSION AGAIN..."

I snickered, and quickly ducked behind a corner before she could come for me too. I took the back route to astrodynamics to avoid as many people as possible, and I got to the break room at 6:58. Technically early! Woo hoo!

I wandered over to the coffee maker for my fourth mug that morning. As I had expected, the room was completely empty. Man, poor Rich. The guy has zero social skills. And coming from me now, that's saying something.

Anyway. I flopped down in a chair near the door and waited for Mindy to show up. About five minutes later, she did. Her hair was pulled back in a sloppy ponytail, and she wore a faded NASA sweatshirt. She smiled at me.

"Hey," she said, "Um..."

"Hi. Want some coffee?" I said, standing up.

"Okay. Coffee is, um, good."

"What's got you in a bind?" I asked, pounding on the coffee maker in a mundane attempt to get it to go faster. She grimaced, plopping down in a hard chair by the table.

"It's... Pretty much the whole world."

I sat down across from her. "How so?"

She sighed. "They won't leave anyone alone, especially us, and now my freaking parents are up my ass about my job again, and I literally had to tell my dad verbatim that we weren't dating. In short, I'm annoyed I can't just go tell the media to go burn in a pit cause Annie'd kill me to death."

She finished her rant, rested her head on her arms, and groaned. I sat back and crossed my arms.

"Yeah. Fuck the world," I said. "Especially the vultures adorned with GoPros banging on your car windows."

Mindy laughed. "Yeah," she agreed, "It sucks."

We sat in peaceful silence for a while, broken only by the steady sipping of coffee. And then my macho side came out and screwed it up.

"Mindy?" I said hesitantly. She looked up from her coffee at me. "Were your parents happy when they thought that we were dating?"

I regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth.

"Um, pretend I didn't say that!" I said hastily as my ears turned red. "I certainly haven't been up since 3 and I'm definitely not having sleeping problems so don't call Beck but, uh, pretend you didn't hear that?"

Mindy looked at me oddly. "Um... They... Wait, why have you been up for 4 hours already?!"

"Why have you?" I countered.

"Weird dream," she said, avoiding my eyes. "And they were thrilled, by the way." She smirked a bit at the end, but then her eyes widened. "Oh, did my text wake you up?"

"Well, yeah actually-"

"Oh God, I'm sorry. I kinda didn't even consider you weren't awake too," Mindy interrupted me with a deer-in-the-headlights look.

"No, seriously it's ok," I said to calm her down.

"No it's not!" She sort of yelled. "I've completely screwed up your day!"

"No, no you haven't," I tried to say calmingly.

"Yes I have! I texted you at some ungodly hour to say something stupid cause my stupid parents believe the tabloids and now you're saying crazy shit cause you've got zero sleep and we're at freaking work before 8:30 and I hate getting up and you probably do too and it's all my stupid cat's fault-"

"Mindy," I cut her off, "I'm not mad or some shit so... Don't freak out."

"I did so screw it up! I did and I'm sorry, Mark-"

"Okay, even if you did, which I doubt," I began, finding her eyes, "I'm really not mad."

She took a deep breath. "Okay. Sorry. I overthink things and then overreact when I'm tired. I don't do well without sleep, either."

"Then how'd you watch me on Mars?" I asked. She gave me a wry smile.

"I took a leaf out of Johanssen's book and spiked my triple-shot espresso with Redbull."

"Ugh, do you know how much crap Beck's given her for that? It's like, a lot. And I've seen literal piles of crap."

She laughed. "Yeah, I don't do it much anymore."

"Probably a good idea."

We had another coffee break.

"Hey, why were you up in the first place?" I asked.

Mindy fixed her eyes out the window. "Like I said, I had a weird dream."

I'm usually not a pushy person, but I had to know, "Was it my fault?"

She sighed and worried her watch with her other hand. "Actually, yes."

I jumped up."Ha!" I shouted. "You didn't ruin my day, I did! Suck it, past self!"

Mindy tried to look exasperated, but eventually a smile broke free and she shook her head.

"You, Mark, are a huge idiot," she said, standing up to put her empty mug in the sink.

"Yes I am! Woohoo!" I started doing the Charlie Brown. "Look at my sweet moves- OW!" I bonked my big head on the shelf and dramatically fell to my knees. "Man down! Man down! Tell my mom I love her..." I collapsed on my back.

Mindy tried not to laugh, but failed, and fell to her knees as well. "Oh, my annoying liege, how whilst I go on living without your presence? I cannot! I will die of sorrow within the minute... 3! 2! 1! And... DEATH!" She collapsed next to me in a fit of giggles.

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Annie Montrose was having an awful day.

First, she had gotten a call from People magazine asking for "juicy details about Watney's new bae," to which she had told them to go fuck themselves.

Second, David Braband from Ares IV had broken up with his girlfriend in the front lawn at 5AM and with a volume of a gazillion decibels and a fuck ton of swearing.

And to top it all off, some stupid CAPCOM intern had snapped a pic of his hamster, photoshopped on a spacesuit, and posted it on Instagram with the caption, "Houston, we have a problem: too much cute!" Which normally would have slightly aggravating, but Annie's day had been pure shit so far.

After scaring the stupid newbie half to death, she set off to have a quadruple shot and a muffin. Everyone got out of her way as she swept down the hallways, shooting death glares at anyone foolish enough to meet her eyes.

As she rounded a corner, she heard someone call her name.

"Hey! Annie!" She whirled around, fuming and swearing. "Whoever you are, I hope you go and fucking burn in a pile of shit at the bottom of fucking hell-"

"Woah, calm down," Her victim, who she could now identify as Venkat, was holding up his hands in an attempt to defend himself from any attacks from the crazy lady in front of him.

"What the hell do you want?" Annie said, shooting imaginary daggers at him.

"Um, I was going to tell you that Saturday Night Live called. They want to have Watney on as a guest-"

Annie threw down the binders she was carrying, yelling, "Fuck them! And him! And the whole reporting industry! Fuck everyone on this goddamn planet and any other, for that matter, and-"

"Annie, calm do-"

"FUCK YOU, VENKAT!" Annie yelled at him. "I'm getting a cup of fucking coffee and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

She turned on her heel and stomped off, muttering death threats the whole way to the nearest break room, which happened to be in the astrodynamics department.

As she went to push open the door, she stopped, hearing a loud noise from inside. Annie presses her ear to the door to hear better.

"Man down... Tell my mom..." Annie groaned. Theatrics?! This was a place to work (more or less)! She heard another voice and listened closer.

"How will I go on... Die of sorrow... 2, 1, DEATH!" This last bit was followed by obnoxiously loud laughter.

Annie steeled herself and opened the door, already ranting at the occupants.

"Hey stupids, we can hear you screaming bloody murder from the hallway, and it would be most appreciated if you could just shut your fucking mouths-"

She stopped as she recognized who was in there. "Oh God, and I thought my day couldn't get any fucking worse! Watney, I don't know what the hell you're doing in here, but I hate your guts, and you, Ms. I-Forget-Your-Name, shouldn't you be working, we owe so much fucking money everyone should be working double shifts, we can't pay you if you don't do something-" Annie briefly paused for breath and Watney took that moment to begin his defense.

"Look, Annie, we weren't doing anything bad, just talking, and Mindy's shift doesn't start until 8:30, and I don't even technically work here anymore, and what the fuck are you yelling your face off about?!"

"Shut up Watney!" Annie yelled as What's-Her-Name hid behind the table. "You've caused so much fucking trouble for me and if you put another stupid toe out of line so help me I'll-"

"RUN, MINDY!" Watney shouted, pushing Annie out of the way as he pulled Mindy (that's her name!) out the door.

"GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!" Annie yelled, shaking her fist with the middle finger out at their disappearing forms as they raced out the door, laughing their stupid faces off as various personnel opened their office doors. They stared at the retreating forms of the troublemakers, and then switched to looking curiously at Annie.

"Oh, fuck off," she told them, turning in her heel and stalking down the hallway, muttering numerous creative death threats as she went.


	6. Treasure Hunting

**A/N: So I honestly have no idea where this came from. I'm steadily working on three unrelated one shots, and I thought I was all written out for the day, but I guess not! And this was born. It went in a different direction than I was planning, but** **tbh, I'm cool with that. Okay, enough talk. Here's chapter 6!**

I, King Mark Watney of Acidalia Planitia, nearby decree that Annie Montrose is the best at revenge. And, unfortunately, it was directed at me. See, Annie never forgave me for "dying" in the first place, and neither did I get any leeway for not actually being dead. Also, she says I'm "immature" (Geez, one boob joke on live TV and you've got a black mark forever.) and now she hates me even more after I caught her at a bad moment. I guess I was "laughing too loudly"? With Annie, it could be anything from a nuke to sneezing near her.

Anyway, I got an email this morning from her that said only, "Fuck you, Mark. This is what you get." And a link to Jimmy Fallon's homepage.

Guess what the bold, size-bazillion font at the top said.

 **"FOR HIS FINAL EPISODE BEFORE RETIREMENT, OUR OWN JIMMY FALLON WILL BE HOLDING AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH MARK WATNEY, MARTIAN HERO!"**

Now, I've avoided any and all interviews beyond, "Hey, do you hate NASA? No? Well then you're boring. Goodbye and please give us money." I simply don't want to talk about it. I've said this before and I'll say it again: I really don't mind the science reports. I don't. It's cold, impersonal data, without a face. It's just numbers. But then again, sols are counted in numbers. 549 of them. I hate that number, and I know I'll see it for the rest of my life. After all, it's on my Guiness World Record certificate that my mom won't let me burn.

ANYWAY! So, I'm a scientist, and it's interesting, so I don't mind the NASA reports, but there is no way that any TV show would stay there for long. To a majority of America, science is cool when it's part of a real-life drama show, but then it gets down to the real entertainment: freak outs on national television! Shitty for me, good for TV ratings. Guess which way the producers are gonna lean?

So, the show is a week from now. I've got seven days to get my shit together. But I can't complain; a seven day notice is seven day better than the alert I'd get on Mars. And you better believe I'm bringing my crew. Even if they're just in the audience, I'm gonna have them there or I'm bailing.

Oh, and Mindy. See, she hates public eye. She's just a shy person; nothing wrong with that. But I owe her big time and he world deserves to know her name as well as they do Venkat's. So I'll have to get her to come too.

I think I'm gonna call her now. I pulled out my phone and found her contact. Hey, she probably won't mind. It's 9:00 on a Friday. She's definitely awake. I pushed dial and waited for her to pick up.

"Hello, this is Mindy Park," she said after a few seconds. "What can I do you for?"

"Hey, Mindy!" I said jovially, and she started.

"Oh, hey Mark! I didn't check them name before picking up, sorry." She sounded flustered, and I heard keys clicking I'm the background.

"Watcha workin' on?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Actually, you could help a lot," she said, and I heard her pound the desk. "Remember how you couldn't bring your samples home cause of weight allowance?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "I thought they'd want me to leave my arm, too." She laughed.

"Anyway, we're adding a part onto Ares VI to go pick them up. It's the last time we'll be there for a while, and they're great data." She said, getting a little excited. "I mean, a year and a half of data we could never have dreamed of getting? That's, like, freaking amazing."

Nerd.

"Yeah. So what is it you need?"

"Well..." She sounded slightly embarrassed. "We, um, can't find the box."

"What?" I said. "But I counted exactly-"

"Blah blah meters in whatever direction from the MAV." She interrupted me. "Point is, it doesn't matter anymore."

"Why not?"

"There was a minor dust storm about six months ago, which covered the box and the MAV base. And all the junk you chucked," she added with a little laugh. "But now we have no idea. And any mission we send from Area VI can't be digging around there for days, so I need the location of the box, fast."

"Why fast?"

"Cause I do. Are you gonna help or not?!"

I sighed. "Fine. Be right there."

"Good," Mindy said as she hung up on me.

Well, so much for relaxing until lunch! Now I have to go find a pair of respectable pants and a shirt without stains (I hate laundry). Blech.

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About thirty minutes later, I found myself trudging into JSC with a considerable amount of caffeine in my veins. I took all the back routes I knew of, only getting stopped once by some saucer-eyed newbie.

As I pushed open the door to SatCon, I took a minute to look around. I had never actually been there before, and it was pretty similar to Mission Control. A giant monolith on the front wall, smaller screens surrounding it, and PCs on desks in rows facing the mega-screen. I spotted the back of Mindy's head in the third to last row, and tried to head over as inconspicuously as I could, but I tripped over a trash can instead.

"Shit!" I yelled as every head in the room turned to look at me. Almost at once, the whispering and pointing started, but thankfully, Mindy said loudly, "Oh, hey Mark! Guys, I think you all know Mark," she said to he room at large, who all nodded as I gave a little wave. "He's here to help us find the box."

Everyone in the room sighed in relief, somebody saying, "It's like fucking pirate's treasure," to which I nodded enthusiastically.

"Actually, it is! The lost gemstones of Captain Blondbeard the... Um..."

"Stupid?" Mindy supplied non-helpfully.

"I was thinking more Heroic," I said with an exaggerated pout.

"Okay, no. All you did was manage not to explode. And geez, you tried your best to make is rename Acidalia Planitia 'The Mark Watney Memorial Crater.' How about Captain Blondbeard the Explosion-Prone?"

I conceded. "For now."

"Thank you. Now, come look at this map."

I wove my way through the maze of chairs, desks, and random stacks of paper to her desk, where she had a picture of Schiaparelli pulled up on her screen.

"See that?" Mindy said, pointing at a sand lump that looked like all the other sand lumps on that stupid planet.

"Yup," I said confidently.

"Okay, then what is it?" She called my bluff.

"Fine. I have no fucking idea. What is it?"

"The top of the balloon you put on the rover."

I gasped. "That hasn't popped yet?!"

"Surprisingly, no," she said, and pointed about 50 feet away at another identical lump. "Know what that is?"

"Um... The nose piece?" I guessed, with absolutely no evidence.

"Actually, you're right," Mindy looked surprised, but continued. "So, that's all we've identified so far. And we don't know where the MAV plant is. And that's where you come in. Take the wheel," she said as she left her seat and pushed me into it instead.

I contemplated the keyboard. "Okay. Great. So... What do I do?"

"Oh yeah; you're a hardware guy. Alright, SatCon 101. Hit this button to pick a satellite. Enter coordinates. Get a picture."

"Just like that?"

"Of course not! You have to get one that actually goes over the area you want, and it needs photography equipment. And then there's the time delay and the physical act of moving it, which takes years to learn, so... Don't even bother. Just see what you can figure out from the pic I took already. Here, click that to put it up on the main screen."

I clicked what she had pointed, and a larger, grainier version of the picture popped up at the front of the room.

"Alright, Captain," Mindy said jokingly with a sloppy salute, "Go find us some treasure!"

I grinned and walked to the front of the room, turning to face the other employees, who still looked dumbstruck.

"Okay, listen up people! Do you know what we're looking for?"

I looked around for a second, and pointed at a middle aged guy in the back. "Do you know?"

"Uhhhhh..."

I sighed. "Alright then. It's a Large Rigid Sample Container, and I put it on top of a three foot tall rock. It's square, so look for a square. And it's white, so look for that, too."

"What's in it, anyway?" A girl near the front asked.

"I can't remember everything, but mostly rocks, dirt, some papers, more rocks, a Sharpie, sand, and... About forty potatoes. So, a real treasure! Let's find it!"

I grinned and spun back to the screen, scanning intently for my box.

I looked a little harder.

And a _bit_ longer.

Just a _smidgen_ more keenly.

Longer?

Thirty minutes later, I still had nothing. Alright, where had I put that box? Between 150 and 200 hundred meters away from the MAV. That's not very helpful. Um... Oh! I usually put my Morse messages to the north of my camp site, so maybe the box is, too?

"Heya, Mindy," I called.

"What's up?"

"Can you get a high res image about 175 meters north of the rover? Make sure it's wide," I said as I thought a bit harder. It would help if I knew where the MAV base was.

"Okay," Mindy said, and typed something out on the keyboard. "Image will get here in... 45 minutes cause the high res satellite has to move. But it's working on it."

I nodded in response, thinking instead about the day I got to the MAV. Let's see... I parked the rover, suited up, fell over, got up, celebrated, and went in. Right then, that's what I have to work with. We know where the rover and the MAV nosepiece are. I parked the rover about 20 meters from the MAV. And I beelined for it... So the rover should be pointing right at it! And I'm too weak to push any part of the MAV more than an inch or two, so the nosepiece is closer to the MAV, but I remembered it rolling a bit. And the balloon was at the front, and there's a little dune near it, so... "Oh!"

"What?" Mindy said, looking up at me from her computer.

"I know where the MAV plant is!"

"Where?"

"There!" I said, pointing at a faint ripple in the sand.

"Hmmm..." Mindy said. "Let me check something..." After a few minutes she smiled. "It is! Yay, Mark!"

"How long till the pic?" I ask anxiously.

"Still about 35 minutes. But will it still be in the correct area?"

I nodded. "Should be close enough, if I'm right and it's North."

"Then we'll wait," Mindy said, pulling out her phone.

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"And here's the pic!" Mindy proclaimed, tossing it up on the big screen. "What do you see?"

"Me?" I asked. "Nothing. But good luck. It's a white cube."

She rolled her eyes. "Alright then... Hey, what's that?" She pointed to another mound that looked like every other one on that whole stupid planet. Apparently, I couldn't see, though, cause the rest of the room started cheering.

"Yay Mark!" Mindy said, walking over to me. "You did something right for once!" she gave me a brief hug, then turned to the screen. "Alright, let's get crackin'"

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A few hours later, we walked out of SatCon, smiling that we did something not pointless.

"Mark, I owe you one," Mindy said, bumping me with her shoulder.

"Mindy, you literally saved my life. I'm gonna owe you forever."

She groaned. "Would you stop! I didn't do anything that someone else couldn't have done. So, please, let me owe you something" she pleaded, giving me big puppy eyes. Actually...

"Well, there is something you could do..."

"Name it," she said enthusiastically. I smirked.

"You're gonna be in the audience the night Annie has decided I'll die of invasive television interviews," I said, finishing in my head with, 'So I can give you credit on live tv. You'll never live that down.'

"Oh, why does she hate you?!" Mindy whined, giving me a sympathetic look.

"I caused the biggest fuck up of the century. And blew her spa budget. And gave her a caffeine addiction. And-"

"I get it, geez!" She interrupted me, rolling her eyes. "When's the interview?"

"Week from today. 6:00. The Convention Center downtown."

"I'll be there," she said, and I sighed in relief. "Thank you. The rest of the crew will be there too, of course."

"Of course."

We looked at each other for a moment.

"Um... Bye Mark," Mindy said, walking to her newly tuned-up car. "See you around, or in a week. Whichever comes first."

I smiled and held up a hand. "Bye."

I watched her drive away, and then climbed into my own car. I started the engine, sat there for a moment, then let out a maniacal laugh. One week from today, the universe would learn of the awesomeness of Miss Mindy Park, and it's socks fly off and land on Mars, covering it in dirty foot smell. Ha, suck it Mars! But seriously, Earth, tape your socks on, cause they'll be knocked off come next Friday. Just you wait.


	7. Tonight Show Gone Weird

**A/N: So, I was writing this, and it went off the rails about a third of the way through. It's twice as long as all the others because I actually had it mapped out(ish) and Mark started yelling. So, enjoy this 4000 word vomit complete with plot!**

I hate suits. Formal suits, law suits, EVA suits (with a burning passion), and especially the suit I'm stuffed in right not for TV. I've been wearing it for all of an hour and I just want to rip it off. And the make-up! I didn't know someone could walk around with 50 pounds of crap on their face. I have a new respect for women everywhere.

"You ready?" Martinez said as he walked over to me. The whole crew was there, sitting in the front row, probably so they could act as damage control if I did something stupid. Mindy texted about half an hour ago, saying she had snagged a seat in the back. Good. I needed her to be here for my plan to work.

"Not at all, but screw it," I responded, earning a laugh from Martinez.

"Remember what Annie said! No throwing stuff, insulting her, talking about sad stuff-"

"Mentioning death, talking about the Ragtop Of Doom, being generally psychotic, or saying 'fuck' on national television," I finished for him. "Yeah, I know the rules."

"You're on in five!" Yelled a technician as I heard Jimmy Fallon starting to introduce me.

"Got everything?" Martinez asked as he walked over to the door.

"Um..." I checked my pockets. Phone, wallet, keys, chocolate (probably melted), and notecards for if I got lost. "I think so," I said to him, and he nodded.

"Good luck!"

I smiled as he left, and as soon as the door closed, a stage hand called for me to go to the wall-that's-actually-a-door. As I walked over, I held my wrist with my watch on it to my ear and shook it, hearing a faint rattle. I smirked, and straightened my earpiece.

"And now," I heard Jimmy say from onstage, "We have the privilege of interviewing the Martian hero himself, Mark Watney!"

Someone opened the door, and I walked out on stage to thunderous applause. The lights were blinding, and my eyes weren't exactly in the best condition now. The noise was deafening. It kept going long after I shook hands with Jimmy and sat down in one of the weird seats. I kept a big smile plastered on my face for Annie, and gave a thumbs up to the camera.

"Alright, settle down!" Jimmy yelled at the audience. "I know I'm attractive, but please, tell me later!"

After a couple more whoops, the viewers calmed down enough that he didn't have to yell to be heard. I spotted the crew in the front and gave them a wave. I looked for Mindy, but didn't see her. Probably hiding in the last row. I turned to Jimmy.

"How are you?" I said, and he gave me an indignant look.

"Hey, that was my line!" He said, then laughed as he shook my hand. After a bit, the crowd got quiet.

"So, Mark, how are you doing?" Jimmy asked.

"Awesome!" I said enthusiastically. Just a white lie; not a big deal. "It's awesome to be here with you!" I said to the audience, who whooped in response.

"Now, would you mind telling us a little about yourself?"

I smirked. "Well, I'm sure you already know me! But you don't know my dog! Wanna hear about him?"

The crowd yelled again and I grinned. "Well, his name is Sparky and he eats my socks!"

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Mindy sat in the back row of the auditorium, watching Mark babble about his dog.

"One time," he said animatedly, "The crazy thing ate my acceptance letter to be part of the Ares missions! I had left it on the table, and had run to find my mom to show her, and Sparky jumped up and chewed it to bits! I was so mad but my mom just laughed her head off."

As the rest of the audience laughed with him, she rolled her eyes and grinned. "Oh, Mark," she said quietly to herself, shaking her head.

"So, Mark," Jimmy said, leaning forward, "From a scientific standpoint, what did Mars mean to you?"

"The best opportunity of my life!" Mark said with a grin. "I mean, I made history and it wasn't for blowing myself up! Take the potatoes: if I hadn't been forced to grow them, we wouldn't know that humanity could go to Mars and live there! And the rocks I collected, they're the best batch of samples purely for their diversity!" He grew more enthusiastic as he talked, pulling the crowd to him. "I wish you coulda seen the look on Commander Lewis's face when I told her I had geologic samples from Acidalia Planitia to Schiaparelli! She was like that old emoji with the white eyes. 'Ohhhhh...'" Mark mimed, hands on his cheeks.

He had everyone laughing, everyone except Mindy. She knew he cracked jokes when he was stressed. She could tell that his smile was forced at first. What was going on in that guy's head?

"Would you move to Mars if given the choice?" Jimmy questioned once the room quieted. Mindy knew Mark's answer even before he spoke.

"Hell no!" He said, glaring at the floor. "It was literally a pile of shit. And the only bath I had could give me cancer! Mama needs her beauty treatment!"

"Cancer tub?" Jimmy said, bemused. Mark winced.

"Can we forget I said that?" He asked, and the audience replied with an enthusiastic "NO!"

"Ok then. So, I screwed up my back getting the airlock back to the Hab, and so I decided to make a bathtub. But the water would be freezing, so I went to get me a heater. Problem was, they all were anchored to their respective equipment. So, I reverted back to my motto: 'All of life's problems can be solved by a box of pure radiation.' I dug up the RTG and voila! I had a hot tub fueled by plutonium."

Jimmy looked as if he wasn't sure whether to be horrified or amused. "You... Bathed in plutonium?"

"Basically," Mark grinned, looking apologetically at the camera. "Sorry, mom."

Jimmy shook his head. "You, Mark, are the most insane person I have ever had on this show. And I had Donald Trump!" The audience laughed as Mark shrugged.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results," he said softly, "so I guess I am."

The audience got quiet really quick after that.

"What do you mean?" Jimmy asked, looking concerned.

"Well..." For the first time since Mindy had met him, Mark was at a loss for words. "I woke up every day, and thought, "One day closer,' but I never said what I was getting closer to. And I ate the same fu-stupid meal every day, expecting it to be better. I drilled the same holes in the rover, over and over, and somehow each one would make something different. Change my situation somehow. I listened to the same awful music on repeat, each time thinking that it would be less horrible. And..." He paused, seeming to make a decision. "And even after Pathfinder blew out, I kept checking the uplink every day. Like somehow there'd be a blinking message waiting for me. But there never was..." He stopped and stared at his hands.

Jimmy seemed to have no idea what to say, and neither did Mindy. She had read his messages whenever had written them, but she didn't know he still had hoped for a reply. And what she wouldn't give to have been able to send him one.

"Anyway," Mark said, shaking himself, "I guess we're all a bit insane. You know who really creeps me out? Rich Purnell. The guy is so smart, I feel like a two-year-old talking to a doctor. The guy is just plain unnerving. No offense, Rich," he added at the end, and the audience laughed again, seemingly forgetting the previous conversation.

But Mindy hadn't. She had thought that knowing something, something that could occasionally have changed his whole experience, and not being able to tell him had been bad. She had felt trapped in her own head. But actually being the guy who needed the information, and knowing it existed but that he couldn't have it, that was different. It was like... Like a one way mirror. The whole world could see him, hear him, observe him, and he was in the padded room on the other side, unable to see or hear or touch another human. She felt her heart break, just a little, and resolved to go find Mark after this was over.

A loud laugh from Mark shook her from her thoughts.

"That's a good one!" He crowed happily. "'Rich with ideas,' that's the kind of crap my dad would say! Jimmy, you've been reduced to dad jokes! How does it feel?"

Jimmy grimaced. "I feel old. And wrinkly. Am I wrinkly?" He asked the audience, who empathetically denied it. "Good. So, Mark, let's go back to Sol 6. Can you tell us how it felt for you?"

Mark leaned back in his seat. "Well, as I regained consciousness, I wondered why I wasn't more dead..."

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The majority of the rest of the interview went smoothly, including dummed-down summaries of Mark's science experiments, comparing the airlock blowout to a circus cannon ('Hire me, Cirque de Soleil! I'm better than your current guy!'), berating Lewis's disco, both celebrating and condemning his potatoes, and a routine where he pretended Jimmy was an alien he had discovered. Two hours later, he was talking about the MAV.

"...And I had the stupidest thought in the MAV," he was saying, obviously more at ease than he had been, "I looked at one of the bolts in the wall and thought, 'Why does that bolt have five sides? It'd need a special wrench to tighten. And what's so special about the number of sides that JPL made a completely new one?' And then I thought, 'I wonder where I could get a cool five-sided bolt like that,' and I promptly passed out."

Everyone was laughing, even Mindy, and Jimmy was slapping his thigh.

"What in the world made you look at that bolt?"

"Something not on the world," Mark replied with a grin. "Now, I wasn't wearing a tinfoil hat, so it could have been aliens, but more likely I was being a dumbass, and trying not to pass out. Didn't work, by the way," he added with a wry grin.

"Now, Mark, I have to ask..." Jimmy started in a serious tone. Mark sobered up and turned to him, nodding. "Did it hurt, when you fell from Heaven?"

And just like that, he was off again, laughing his head off.

"If you're saying Mars was Heaven," he got out between bouts of laughter, "You couldn't be more wrong. It was hell. Pure hell. It even had the correct color scheme! But yes, it did hurt. How do you guys live in this gravity every day!?" The last part was directed to the audience; who yelled something unintelligible in response.

"Now Mark, we're almost out of time. Do you have anything you want to say to the people of Earth?" Jimmy asked, which Mark took as his cue to give a thank-you speech.

"Thank you. Just... Thank you. All of you. From Venkat Kapoor, to all of the American taxpayers, to the CNSA for making it possible for me to be here today. Thanks to every one of you that posted anything on social media that was encouraging. And to anyone who donated money to funding this, give me a call; I'll grab you a coffee or something. Thanks to all the people at The Watney Report, all the people who watched it, and literally anyone who even tried to do anything. You're what made me keep trying. And to all the people who included me in their prayers, may God bless you. And to all of NASA, my awesome crew, and my parents. I'll never be able to repay you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You saved my life," he said, and looked straight at the camera. "I owe you all. If you need help with anything, call me. Oh, and to whoever wrote "Fuck you Mars" on my tombstone... Good on you!"

The room applauded him as he stopped talking, and Jimmy took the opportunity to ask one final question.

"Is there anyone in particular you want to talk about or shout out? Cause now would be the perfect time to reveal your secret girlfriend..." He wiggled his eyebrows.

Mark cleared his throat. "Yes, there is. So, how many of you in the audience knew that a sol is 40 minutes longer than a day?" About five people raised their hands, Mindy included.

"Okay then. Well, it is. Did any of you consider how you got the photos of me that you did?" No one responded.

Mindy's breath hitched. She had a feeling where this was going. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. "Mark, shut up," she whispered to herself, but of course he didn't.

"Well, someone had to move their calendar 40 minutes forward every day, just to babysit me. And because most of our employees got shifted to one of the Iris projects, one person had to keep up with my crazy shenanigans. And so I would like to give a huge shout-out to Miss Mindy Park, who was my guardian angel. Can she get a round of applause?"

The whole room erupted into thunderous applause, lead by Mark, who was scanning the audience intently. Looking for her. He met her eyes, and she was startled to see the conviction in them. He really did believe she had saved him. He did.

But it wasn't true. It couldn't be true. She had just been doing overtime at work. She had only entered coordinates into her computer. She had done nothing but realize that two pictures weren't identical, as they should have been. She hadn't done anything extraordinary.

Mark was still looking at her. "Ah, there she is!" He yelled, pointing directly at her. The people sitting nearby turned around so abruptly that he thought their heads would spin off.

"Mindy, stand up!" Mark yelled, and she did, dazedly. "Let her through, people!"

The crowd parted to let her get to the aisle, and she walked about halfway down to the stage before Mark told her to stop.

"Mindy, just stay there, cause if you come any closer the mics may pick up the lies about to come out of your mouth. Everyone, this is the woman who sacrificed years of her life to make sure I didn't die alone, in some stupid-ass way. Now, my crew did the same, and they never let me forget it," he said as Martinez yelled back,

"You owe me, buddy! I could use a new car!" That got a laugh.

"Yeah, yeah," Mark said, rolling his eyes. "And Venkat and Teddy and all the rest of them keep reminding me of how much I owe them, usually in financial terms. But they at least own up to saving my life. _Mindy_ , however..."

Mark scowled at her. "She flat-out _denies_ doing anything for me! No matter what I say, she refuses to listen; always saying something along the lines of 'I didn't do anything for you! I was just in the right place at the right time!' And I'm sick of it! That's why I kept her out of range of the mics. If she was up here, she'd be denying everything I've said with vehemence. Well, guess what, Mindy?! You can't stop me this time! I'm gonna talk, and you're gonna listen to reason!"

Mindy was frozen in place by sheer terror. She'd never personally seen Mark like this, so passionate about something that wasn't his plants.

"I gave you hell for the last few years of your life, and I can't believe you won't even let me buy you a movie ticket! Eight bucks, _eight bucks_ , and you won't let me help cause you say I don't owe you anything! I owe you my fucking _life_ , and you won't let me do so much as be a gentleman!"

Someone got up on stage, interrupting Mark mid-rant.

"Excuse me, Mr. Fallon, but I believe it's time for Mark to go so you'll have time to give your farewell speech-"

Jimmy waved him off. "No way! This is awesome!"

"Thank you!" Mark yelled, and returned his gaze to Mindy. "It was easier for me; cause I slept when it was dark! But it was often noon for you! NOON! And you were heading home for a quick nap, or more often, parking in your tiny excuse for an office! Oh, and FUCK YOU, ANNIE! I'M GONNA DO WHAT I WANT! But anyway, Mindy, you slept on that dismal couch, night after night, and you don't think you deserve anything?!"

Mindy opened her mouth. "I-"

"Don't you even _start_!" Mark yelled, seemingly forgetting the mic was there. "You missed almost every social event you were invited to because you were on babysitting duty! You couldn't even go home for _days_ when I really screwed up, which was often, and if you won't realize that I owe you everything, you're delusional! Even crazier than I am!"

His eyes were wide, and Jimmy looked a little scared. But no one moved to stop him.

"I caused you some of the worst pain of your life!" Mark continued, staring Mindy down. "And I still do! I know you wake up in a panic some nights, and it's my fault! It's all my fault, and you won't even let me own up to it! You say it was fate, or some shit, and I can't believe you won't let me take a hit! I can handle it! And you know what, Mindy? All those nights I've kept you up, one way or another, you've been suffering! And you've asked me for any sort of genuine help ONCE! _ONCE_! Mindy, you're so fucking _dense_! Let your pride go and accept some fucking help!"

He broke eye contact for a second to look directly into the camera lens. "Hey, Teddy! What if I told you I could pay off half the debt? What would you say? Probably to do it. Well, guess what?! I'm not gonna!"

The audience was as confused as Mindy as Mark kept yelling at Teddy.

" And if you try to take my property, I swear to God, I'll sue you."

He gave the camera one last glare before turning back to Mindy.

"Mindy Park, I owe you so much, but you're still in denial! Beats the fuck out of me what you're grieving, but get over it! I caused the century's biggest fuck up, and you won't let me own up to it! So here's what we're gonna do: Either you admit you saved my life, or I do something! You won't like the something, and Lewis definitely won't, so what'll it be?"

The room quieted. Mindy felt so overwhelmed that she said everything that came into her head.

"Mark, you're delusional. I haven't done anything to help you and everything you've said isn't your fault at all! I was just at the right monitor and Venkat happened to email me! It was all chance so just give it up!"

"NOT A CHANCE!" Mark yelled. He looked for a second as if he was going to come down there, but ripped his watch off instead. He grabbed it by the face and waved it in the air.

"Can anyone here tell me what this is?" He asked the audience, to which Martinez replied,

"It's a watch, dummy."

"Yes it is!" Mark said. "But it's also something else! No, not a bomb," he said to the security officers who had stood up. "No, it's also a box! And I've got something inside for Miss Mindy Park! So, Mindy, get up here, and no one let her near the mics!"

Mindy slowly walked towards the stage, all the while wondering why Jimmy hadn't stopped Mark yet, or any of his crew. She looked over to Lewis, but they were all eating a big bucket of popcorn, seemingly amused at Mark's crazy rant. A quick glance to Jimmy told her that this was a better end to his show than he'd imagined, and was letting it take its course. And the security was giving Mark a pass because, well, he was Mark.

She climbed the stairs as if she were going to the gallows. Mark was waiting for her as she walked across the stage, her footsteps the only sound in the room.

"Hold out your hands," he said, and she did. "Now, I'm keeping the watch itself; had it since high school. But I hearby give the contents to Miss Mindy Park!"

Mark turned to Mindy, holding his watch over her outstretched hands. He fiddled with the dials, and the face swung open. Mindy couldn't see what was inside, but Mark took one look at it and a single tear rolled down his cheek. He looked her in the eyes.

"You don't believe me," he said sadly. "You don't. And hell knows why, but you have too much pride to admit it was my fault. And you can't accept that you're the reason I'm not DEAD! So, this is for you. And good riddance to it! But I hope you'll take it as a small repayment to all that I owe you. If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead."

He flipped over the watch, and a quarter sized object slipped into her hands. Upon closer inspection, it was a rock, orange in color, and a bit of sand flaked off into her hand. It looked kinda like...

"Mark, I can't take this!" She gasped, feeling the gravity of what she held in her hands. "It... I..."

"What is it?" Jimmy said, finally rejoining the conversation.

Mindy tried to speak but couldn't.

"It's a rock," said Mark.

"Like a gemstone or something?"

"No. Mindy, can you tell everyone what it is?"

Mindy kept staring at the object in her hands in wonder.

"Well, it's... It's... A rock. It's a rock..." She stammered, daring to cup her hands more securely around it. "It's a rock from Mars."

Mark walked up behind her, and put his hand in her shoulder. "Yes it is. And it's Mindy's."

Silence. Then wild cheering. Jimmy was standing dumbstruck, the audience was roaring, Mark's crew was running up to see, pushing and shoving each other. Lewis punched Mark in the arm. ("Why didn't you show _me_?!)

Mindy turned to face him, the treasure clasped tightly in her hands.

"Mark," she started, and the room quieted. "I can't take this. I can't. It's yours. And..." She looked at it again, amazed. "It belongs in a museum or something!"

"No, it doesn't. I want one thing from there to not be government property. And I can't bare to look at it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. So you're gonna take care of it, Mindy."

Mindy shook her head wildly. "Mark... I... Thank you."

"No, thank you," he said. "You saved my life. I can never repay you."

Mindy looked into his eyes. They were looking at her as if she were the only thing in the whole room.

"I... I believe you," she whispered. "I believe you, Mark."

And she did, in that moment. Maybe it was the conviction in his face. Maybe she was just giving up the ghost. But she did believe him.

"Finally," he said, and pulled her in for a hug. She wrapped her arms around him tightly, clutching her stone with a death grip. And she felt a single tear land on her shoulder. She pulled away, concerned.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm relieved, Mindy," Mark said to her. The crew backed up to give them space. "I... I thought you would never come 'round. And now I've paid everyone back, at least a little bit. And... I'm just relieved."

He pulled her in again, and this time she let a few tears fall, too. They stayed like that for who-knows-how-long, as the crowd gave a standing ovation. The rest of the crew was cheering, except for Lewis, who was impatient for them to finish so that she could see Mindy's rock.

She looked up at Mark, and he looked at her. He grabbed her hand that held the rock, and yelled, "Goodbye, Jimmy Fallon!" As he threw his earpiece to the floor.

And he and Mindy walked, hand in hand, out to his car.

"Mark," Mindy began, "I can't take this. It's... Too amazing."

Mark shook his head. "That's why I want you to have it. You'll appreciate it."

"But-"

"Need a ride?" Mark said, opening the door.

"Actually, yes. I took the bus and the show ran really late, so yeah."

He nodded and she got in, closing the door behind her. As he started the car, she turned to look at him.

"You broke all of Annie's rules," Mindy said, sighing with a smile.

"Yeah, I guess I did. Let's see, I said 'Fuck you Annie,' that's two birds with one stone. I threw my earpiece, talked about the MAV, and depressed everyone at the start. I know I mentioned death, and did I look a bit psychotic?"

Mindy nodded.

"Then yes, I broke every rule. At least they got 2 hours of the shallow crap everyone loves."

Mindy laughed as he started driving away.

"Tell me when you're in detention. I'll bring you candy or something."

"Deal," Mark said. "Now let's go home and have one last good night's sleep before it all goes to shit."

Mindy nodded and he pulled out of the lot towards her apartment, driving away from the waving lights and celebration of the people in the stadium. She's having a better day than them anyway. She has a rock from Mars! It made her grin as she gazed out the window to the stars.


	8. Aftermath

**A/N: I'm going to start by saying this is late. Like, really late. School started and I had to do a ton of paperwork. I got a new laptop and lost all my files on the old one, including this chapter, and then proceeded to forget aforementioned new laptop at school. I cranked the end of this out really quickly, so I apologize for any typos. Happy Labor Day and on with the story!**

Well, it's official. I'm gonna die this year. My headstone is gonna say, "Here lies Mark Watney. He beat the shit out of Mars but was killed by a coworker. May he rest in potato-free peace." After the Tonight Show fiasco, I went home, took some sleeping pills, and conked out. I got up at nine the next day, and wandered out to my kitchen, starting a cup of coffee and pulling out my phone. I was like 2% awake and didn't remember a thing about the day before yet. So when I saw that I had 50+ texts, my first thought was 'Who died?And then I remembered.

I had basically dissed all of NASA when I yelled at Teddy about suing him, and swore at Annie when she had specifically told me not to. And I probably ruined Jimmy's last program, scared any kids in the audience, and... Oh crap. Mindy.

I hurriedly opened my texts, ignoring he others as I looked for Mindy's number.

2:07

 **Mindy** : oh my god I have a space rock I'm freaking out thank you so much mark and I almost forgive you for calling me out because I have a space rock oh my god

Okay. She wasn't mad at me. That's a weight off my shoulders. That was one of the things I had worried about when I had made my plan. Frankly, it was my biggest worry. And the plan derailed anyway. I had planned to just say, "Mindy, thanks, you rock so here's a rock," but I guess I just got angry. At what, I don't know. Mindy, Teddy, Mars, potatoes, bright lights, ties that choke you to death, and talking for so long were probably the main causes.

I moved to the rest of my texts, purposely saving Annie for last. I tapped the crew group chat.

2:04

 **Martinez** : tell me when your funeral is buddy. i'm dying of laughter but i'll bet you money annie isn't

2:13

 **Vogel** : you are dead meat mark. the pr lady will have your head

2:34

 **Johanssen** : I'm not sure what to say to you Mark. You brought attention back to us, but now the world is focused on you once again instead of me and Chris so thanks I guess.

2:35

 **Beck** : *Chris and I

2:35

 **Johanssen** : shut up

2:56

 **Lewis** : Mark, why didn't you let me see the rock?!

2:56

 **Lewis** : I feel betrayed

2:57

 **Lewis** : :,(

Okay, so they're not mad. Well, maybe Lewis is, but she'll get over it. About thirty of the remaining texts were from miscellaneous people, one or two each. The rest were from Annie.

Steeling myself, I clicked on Annie's.

1:32

Okay we're good so far

1:35

Good speech

1:37

Mark stop now

1:38

STOP

1:38

YOURE RUINING IT MARK STOP YELLING

1:39

STOP OR SO HELP ME ILL RIP YOUR PATHETIC HEAD OFF

1:40

FUCK YOU TOO

1:41

THATS ENOUGH MARK STOP

1:42

NO NO NO DONT SAY THAT

1:42

STOP BEFORE YOU FUCK UP TOO MUCH

1:43

AND WHY IS TEDDY IN THIS MARK YOU IDIOT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! DONT MENTION LAWSUITS SOMEONE MIGHT GET AN IDEA!

1:44

Mark, I'm gonna be calm and tell you that if you don't shut up I will flay you alive and use your dead body to grow potatoes which will go in your empty coffin

1:45

WHERE WERE YOU HIDING THAT I THOUGHT WE SEARCHED YOU?!

1:46

PROFESS YOUR LOVE LATER DONT RUIN US

1:46

AND PAY THE FUCKING DEBT!

1:47

I GIVE UP MARK YOU ARE A HOPELESS TRAIN WRECK I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL AND HELL IS MARS AND IT BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME WHY WE CAME BACK FOR YOU AND I HATE YOU EVEN MORE THAN WHEN YOU MADE THAT BOOB JOKE

1:48

Goodbye forever you ass

Well, that's about what I expected. Ah well, she hated me anyway. I'm gonna assume she doesn't want a response. She's gonna be on damage control all week. All month, maybe.

I'd be lying if I said I was sorry.

At this point, I'm fed up with NASA bullshit. I mean, I'm gonna be grateful to them for saving my life forever, but they're trying too hard to make a good impression. I'm totally on board with space travel (obviously) and I'll endorse them and stuff, but I've proven I can take care of myself.

Do I owe them? Yes. I owe pretty much every person on this planet. I'll probably be endorsing them until a few hours after I'm dead. But you know who I owe more? My crew. They chucked a year and a half of their lives into the abyss of space for me. And aside from Lewis, they usually own up to it. Especially Martinez when he needs something.

But they don't really ask much from me. They know the most about what I've been through, and we all respect each other. NASA, however, really loves its new guinea pigs.

We, in turn, hate them most of the time. It works out pretty okay most of the time because of contracts and all that, but it's still annoying.

Oh well. Time to go apologize (insincerely) to Annie. If I die, sock Teddy in the face for me.

(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)

Annie Montrose stomped out of the press room, swearing like a sailor to nothing as she walked. Screw that asshole whose name, she decided, will never be spoken by her again. Unless she was yelling at him. Exceptions could be made.

"I swear to God, if I ever see him again, I'm gonna lob his fucking head off and feed it to a pig, and then throw the pig off the nearest cliff, into a volcano, and let it burn in Hell forever. So help me, if he shows up right now, I'm gonna tell him-"

"Hi Annie!" A voice interrupted her ramblings, and she turned to see her new least favorite person in the solar system grinning apprehensively at her from down the hall. She stopped for a minute, considered him, then ran at him faster then was thought possible of any human.

"YOU IDIOT!" She screamed, and reared her fist back, then punching him square in the nose.

"OW!" He shouted, hands flying to his face. "Annie, what the fu-"

"You asshole! What the hell were you thinking?! Do you even know how hard you've just made my job? I just got back from a three hour press conference where I had to explain to the fucking entirety of the world why you went batshit crazy all of a sudden! And you know what? I didn't know! You try standing there in a room of hungry sharks and saying, "Der… I don't know! Just kill me now!" While they scream themselves hoarse at you! One asshole tackled another to get my attention to ask, 'Are you screening your employees for insanity?' Because this even isn't the first time you've gone mental!"

"Annie, I-"

"YOU DON'T GET TO TALK!" she screamed, shoving him down the hallway towards a frightened group of interns. "You made everyone's life a living hell for a year and a half, and then instead of buying us flowers or giving us back any of that money, you dissed us on live television, looking psychotic by the way, and hiding a multimillion dollar artifact, which there are only a few of in the world, that in no way belongs to you, from us. Speaking of which, the nerds in biomed want to know where you kept it while flying. And thanks to you, I spent my all last night telling the fucking president of the United States that no, we are not, quote, 'bureaucratic felchers', and I basically had to beg them to keep funding us! And you know what the next item on my list is? Track down your little girlfriend and give her a piece of my mind! Lucky for her, only you get a piece of my fist, because this whole goat rodeo was your fucking fault!"

She paused, breathing heavily, and looked him in the eyes with a murderous glare. "I will give you one chance to speak. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I think you broke my nose."

"What?"

Mark glared at her. "I said, I think you broke my nose."

He pulled his hands from his face, which was still gushing blood at an alarming rate.

"Oh, boo hoo," she deadpanned. "You were impaled less than three years ago, and you're complaining about a potentially broken nose. And, by the way, "impaled" sounds way too badass for being in the way of an inanimate object with murderous tendencies."

"Yeah, but that hurt then," Mark complained, "And this hurts now. Plus, I think it should have stopped bleeding by now."

Annie inspected his face, and found herself agreeing. "Okay, that does look worse than I anticipated. Sorry not sorry. Go to the clinic- oh wait, all the doctors went to a meeting. Damn."

"I'll just go to the hospital down the road, and see if they can patch it up or something."

Annie sighed. "Okay, I'm letting you go this one time. But rest assured, next time I see you will not be pleasant."

"Okay. Thanks, I guess. Um, see you later!"

He turned on his heel and headed down the hall towards the door. Annie stalked away in search of caffeine, muttering obscenities under her breath as the crowd that had gathered around them parted quickly to let her through.

(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)

Mindy Park was having one of the best days of her life. Sure, she knew that once she got to work, Annie would have her head, but that could be dealt with. What was one bodily in the grand scheme of things? Besides, literally nothing could make her sad today, because she had a rock from Mars! One of less than a hundred in the whole world. How the hell had she gotten ahold of one?

She grinned as she walked down the street to work. The night before, after saying goodbye to Mark, she had run up the staircase as fast as she could to her apartment on the third floor. She had thrown the door open, and bolted inside to collapse on her couch. After catching her breath, she hesitantly opened her hands to see if it was still there. To her utter surprise, it was. She held the rock close to her face, examining it thoroughly. Little ridges and indentations pocked the surface, and a small bit of dust came off when she rubbed it.

Mindy had no idea where to put it. A very large part of her wanted to take it everywhere with her, clasped in a hand or in a pocket. However, the logical part of her brain was petitioning for her to run down to the bank to put it in a safe deposit box. She sat there for a few minutes, trying to choose before eventually compromising between the two and putting it in her freezer.

That might seem like a weird place, but who would look there? She also put in an empty bag of peas as extra insurance. Mindy wasn't worried about it being damaged by the freezing temperature because it had lived in sub-arctic temperatures for millions of years. She had then said goodbye to her treasure, left her apartment, and used a tricky little gadget she had invented to throw the deadbolt from the outside, in addition to locking it with her normal key.

Mindy was shaken from the memory when somebody's dog ran in front of her, dragging its owner by the leash. The man looked apologetically at her, and then did a double take.

"Hey, aren't you that woman who got called out on the Tonight Show last night?" He picked up the squirming dog and looked to her curiously.

"Yeah, actually," Mindy said awkwardly, with no idea how to respond.

"If what he said was true," the man began, "Then I have to say thank you. I can't even tell you how much my son was inspired by all of you guys trying so hard to save one guy. He says he wants to work for NASA now. So, thanks I guess."

He waved goodbye, and left Mindy standing in the middle of the sidewalk, bewildered. Why had a stranger come and talked to her? Thinking back, she also realized that she had been getting weird looks all day, even from the little old lady in the apartment across from hers. If this was what it was like for Mark all the time, boy, was she glad she wasn't him.

Mindy turned down a small alleyway that she often used as a shortcut to work, and let her mind wander as she meandered past a dumpster behind a restaurant. As she reached the end of the alley, a little short man in a suitcoat stopped her.

"Excuse me, miss," he began, looking around nervously, "Do you know how to get to the nearest Starbucks? Because my, erm, coffee machine broke this morning, and I really can't run without my daily, uh, cappuccino, and…" he trailed his stuttering with a quick glance over his shoulder.

"Um, yeah," Mindy said, turning around. "If you take a left at the Walmart, it's about five…" She trailed off, noticing two burly men standing at the other end of the alleyway. Confused, she turned back to the short man, only to see that another two tall people, another man and a woman, had appeared behind him.

Mindy backed away slowly, her hand drifting to her purse.

"What's going on?" She said nervously, turning around to see that the two guys at the other end of the alley had begun to walk towards her slowly.

"You got something we want, and we want it now," one of them growled, and looked to the tall man standing behind the short one.

"Yeah," he said, and then shoved the short man, who stumbled and almost bumped into Mindy, who was still retreating cautiously. "Caligary, you idiot, you are the least inconspicuous man I've ever seen. Don't stutter every other word, you'll get us caught."

"Sorry, boss," the short man said, hanging his head.

"Now, miss," said the tallest man, "Where is it?"

"I.. I don't know what you're talking about…" Mindy stammered, trying to slowly open her purse, where she had a can of pepper spray.

"Oh, I think you do," The tall guy stepped closer to her, and she backed against the wall.

"We all saw your darling boyfriend give it to you," said the woman, who was dressed in a leather jacket and had a handgun strapped to her side. "Not very smart of him, bragging to the world that you, who has no protection in the slightest, are now in possession of one of the most valuable objects in the world. Now, I don't really want to hurt you, so just hand it over, and we'll be on our way."

"It's…" Mindy thought fast, "I don't have it. I dropped it at the bank earlier this morning. You're wasting your time. Now, if you please, get out of my way and I'll forget this ever happened."

The woman grinned sadly. "Oh, but you see, we've been following you all day. And after you left your apartment, you never went near the bank. There's no point lying to us. Just hand it over."

"I don't have it!" Mindy said, and felt her back hit the wall. "I swear I don't have it. I'm not stupid enough to carry it around when I could be jumped by idiots like you!"

"Did you just call me idiot?" said one of the two men who had been behind her, and were beginning to close the ten feet left between them. "You're the idiot here, cause now I don't like you."

"Oh, shut up, Clark," said the woman, rolling her eyes. "She's not dumb enough to think we'd believe that she wouldn't have it on her. And she's really not dumb enough to think we'd just let her go."

She turned to Mindy, drawing her gun. "Now, I'm afraid if you don't give us what we want, I'll have no choice to shoot you. I really don't want to do that, so…"

She trailed off, twirling her gun. "What'll it be?"

"I don't have it! I swear I don't! Please, I'm just trying to go to work, I'm not gonna rat you out, just let me go!" Mindy almost had her pepper spray now. If she could just stall for another thirty seconds…

"Oh, I'm afraid I can't make that work. I'm going to give you until the count of five. If we still don't have it… well, it won't be pleasant. Last chance."

"Actually," Mindy began, speaking slowly, "I think I left it in my car last night, buried in the glove box. We could go ther-"

"FREEZE!" a voice shouted suddenly, and Mindy saw two police men appear over the shoulder of one of the men.

"Nobody move! You have until three to drop your weapon. One! Two!"

The woman suddenly pulled Mindy in front of her, put the gun to her temple, and cocked the hammer.

"Now," she began, a demonic smile on her face, "I believe it would be within your interests to not pull that trigger. Because if you shoot me, I shoot her. And we wouldn't want that now, would we?"

"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to drop the weapon now." The officers were slowly advancing,

"Such a shame it would be to mess up her pretty face…" The woman looked at her comrades. "Well? Are you going to do anything? Furan, you're supposed to be in charge here…"

One of the men startled and looked at her, and Mindy could practically see the rusty gears turning in his head.

"Oh. Yeah. So… if I'm in charge, what am I supposed to be doing?"

"You imbecile, this is why you never get to do anything. You know, I can't remember why I hired you in the first place-"

She was cut off suddenly as Mindy sprayed pepper spray in her eyes. The woman screamed, falling to her knees, and Mindy turned around to run. Brandishing her weapon, she tried to run between two of the men, but the third picked up the gun that the woman had dropped and pointed it at her.

Mindy froze, her eyes darting to the police. Somehow, she had become locked in a standoff with gunmen over something worth millions of dollars, when less than 12 hours ago, no one had known her name. The universe definitely had it out for her.

Everyone stood there in silence for a moment or two, and then one of the officers said, "Drop your weapon; this is your last chance."

The gunman's eyes flicked to him, and Mindy took the opportunity to rush one of the unarmed men. She rammed into him just as a gun started firing, and he batted her away easily, but not before she had thrown him off balance. She was about to climb back to her feet when one of the woman's arms darted out and grabbed her ankle, sending her to the ground again. She made one final attempt to stand up without being clipped by a bullet, but then something hit her in the back of the head, and everything faded to black.

 **A/N: Yes, I know it's highly unlikely for all the doctors in NASA to be gone at once, and then for Mark to decide that the hospital is the next best thing, but I'm setting up chapter 9 so hang in there. See you soon (hopefully)!**


	9. Peas

**A/N: Hello. It is time for the next sporadic update and it is weird! Mostly typed on a dark, moving vehicle at six in the morning, this chapter is part plot and part shitposting. But I digress.**

Have you ever been at the doctor's office and they were telling you to "stay still, we're almost done," but you _really_ wanted to scratch your face? All you could think about was 'If I don't scratch this right now the universe will burst into a million pieces,' and it occupied all your available brainpower? That's how I feel right now with this damn bandage on my nose.

Turns out Annie had decked me so hard my nose had split into three pieces. The doctors had actually laughed when I told them why I was here. Apparently, they had taken bets on who would be on shift when I came in with an injury related to the human hurricane, and these guys were ecstatic about winning. Glad to see someone was pleased about me getting hurt.

They didn't seem fazed by the fact that my nose had taken a job transfer to become a blood faucet. Apparently that was the fault of one of the many medications I'm on now. I had a hell of a time filling out the medical report though. After filling in my name and social security and all that boring stuff, there were the questions to see if you've got a regional disease or genetic predisposition or something.

'Have you been out of the U.S. in the past six months?' Yes. I was in space! 'What regions have you visited in the last year?' Acidalia Planitia, Mawrth Vallis, Arabia Terra, and a few others. Shall I go on? "What diseases carrying have you been exposed to recently?" Um,,, does radiation count? How about whatever's in human shit?

I had a few laughs at the expression on the secretary's desk when I handed it in. I passed her on the way out, and waved. She waved back hesitantly. Apparently she didn't recognize me with a white blob in the center of my face. Maybe I should get punched more often; it does wonders to your complexion!

I was meandering my way towards the doors with the intention to go home, eat ice cream, watch nonsensical TV, and maybe text Mindy to see if Annie had killed her yet. I was about two feet from the door when it suddenly swung open, banging me in my newly-fixed nose.

"Ow!" I shouted after stumbling back a few steps, turning to yell at whoever had burst into the room, but it turns out it was a team of doctors sprinting with one of those wheeled stretchers. The man on it appeared to be handcuffed to the bed, and was bleeding heavily from his leg.

I turned to look out of the now wide open doors, and I saw at least two more ambulances and a few cop cars parked outside. I watched as a police officer walked over to one of the ambulances, said something to the driver, and stepped away, pulling out his radio. Another ambulance opened its doors, and a second stretcher was pulled out, this time with a woman in a leather jacket on it, also handcuffed to the rail. What the hell happened?

The final ambulance pulled up, and yet more doctors jumped out, pulling with them one more stretcher with another woman on it. As they ran past me into the main room, I saw that this woman wasn't locked to the bed. They stopped for a second to yell something down the hall, and the woman's head turned to me. She was bleeding heavily from the back of her head and her right arm, and the top part of her face was obscured by hair. But I recognized the bottom half.

It was Mindy.

Oh, shit. I stood there dumbfounded for a minute until the doctors started running again, wheeling her away from me.

"Hey!" I shouted, running after them. "Hey! That's my friend! I know her! What happened?"

One of them stopped and turned to me. "None of your business. Now, please leave so we can take care of her." He spun back to the others, who were trying and failing to open a door.

"It is very much my business!" I said, shouldering my way to the stretcher. "Didn't you see her last night? I owe her everything! Now tell me what the hell is going on!"

The annoyed doctor glanced back at me and did a double take. "Sir, I'm afraid… medical confidentiality and all that… you know that can only be shared with people on her emergency contact list. I'm sorry."

"Okay, so call somebody!" I said, aggravated. "Get out her phone and call speed dial!"

A nurse shouldered through, holding Mindy's purse. "We're on it, but please, you need to leave so we have room to take of our patient."

"I… Fine," I said, vowing to sneak back in later. She nodded at me in thanks and I turned to walk down the long hallway. I was almost at the vending machine when my phone started vibrating. I picked it up, and the Caller I.D. said that it was Mindy. Wait… she was laying on that stretcher over there… was I her emergency contact? That's weird, but whatever. I spun back to the nurse, holding up my phone triumphantly.

"It seems," I said grinning, "That I'm on her emergency list. So…"

The nurse sighed, turning, and waved me toward an office.

"Lucky for you," she said as we walked, "There's only a bit of paperwork standing between you two now."

"How much paperwork?" I asked, pulling out my I.D.

"This should cover it," She said as she reached behind the counter, and pushed the biggest stack of papers I'd ever seen (outside of Annie's desk) into my arms.

"Lovely," I said, shuffling to the seats in the corner. This is going to be one of the longest hours of my life.

COOKIE BREAK

I am finally done with Paperwork Mountain! I had no idea for most of the questions, so I just wrote "idk" and I hope that's not a big problem. It probably is, but the important thing is that I'm going to get to see Mindy.

I pulled out my phone as I waited for a doctor to come and bring me to her. I pulled up my texts to see what I had missed. The only text I had was one from my mom saying something like, "Hello I love you please pick up asparagus your father is making lasagna tell me what happened with Annie bye." I'm not sure she knows that she can write in multiple sentences. I pulled up the crew group chat. I had called Lewis on my way to the hospital, and texted the others as soon as I got there.

 **1:34**

 **Mark:** Change of plans. I'm going to be for an undetermined amount of time so cancel the Pizza Club meeting tonight

It took less than a minute for someone to respond.

 **Lewis:** What happened? If she broke your face I will break hers.

 **Johanssen:** Woah there, mom. No one is killing anyone on my ship!

 **Lewis:** A) we are not on a ship and B) it was never your ship

 **Johanssen:** It was a movie reference, dammit! Have you ever seen anything from this millennium?

 **Lewis:** Duh. And back to the topic at hand: Mark, why are you still at the hospital?

All of those texts came in less than thirty seconds. We will all have arthritis early from texting, but I don't care. It's a useful skill.

 **Mark:** I'm not sure I should tell you over text; it's not exactly secure. Somebody call me

Almost immediately, my phone buzzed. I hit answer and brought it to my ear.

"Hey, Lewis," I said automatically.

"It's Beth, actually," said Johanssen from the other line.

"Oh. I was expecting Lewis. You know, all that mother hen stuff."

She laughed. "Yeah. Anyway, so what's up?"

"I'm… not exactly sure," I said, fiddling with my pencil.

"Okay, I see that you are not in an information-giving mood, so just answer my third-grade level questions," she said, sighing.

"I will try," I said pompously.

"Alright then. What happened to your nose?"

"Annie happened. It's in three pieces and hurts like a bitch, but that's not the problem. Well, it's a problem, but-"

"Three pieces? Wow, she really packs a punch. Remind me to wear a football helmet when I talk I her about you-know-what… But what problem can you possibly have that's A, one you somehow haven't had before, and B, worse than breaking a bone? Well, actually, your nose isn't a bone, it's cartilage. Chris told me that one morning when a dog head-butted me in the face-"

"Mindy's in the hospital," I said, interrupting her tangent. Beth gasped, then laughed.

"Did Annie smash her face too? Because you two would so cute with matching bandages. You could sign each other's faces!" I groaned.

"Beth… It wasn't Annie. I was walking out and just as I got to the doors, they swung open and hit me in the face. Hurt a lot, by the way. There were ambulances and cop cars and doctors wheeling people in on stretchers and I didn't know what was going on, and didn't really care, until I noticed that Mindy was on one of those stretchers. I chased after the doctors and they wouldn't let me in but then they did because her phone called me and then I scaled Mt. Paperwork and then I texted you guys and now I'm talking to you." I talked quickly, and Beth was silent for a minute.

"And… that's it?" She said, and I nodded before realizing that she couldn't see me.

"Yeah."

"Well…" she sighed. "Okay, that's crap. But you have to wait with her. It's your job."

"Why?"

"You said that there were cops?"

"Yeah," I said, with no idea where she was going with this.

"So it was obviously something illegal. And why would someone target Mindy?" I could feel a little accusation in her tone.

"Um… I have no idea. Maybe because she works with the execs on a regular basis…" I trailed off as it hit me. "Oh. Oh, shit. You don't think it was because…"

"Yeah, I think It was," Beth said, and stopped talking to give me time to think.

Why _would_ anyone go for Mindy? I'll tell you why. Because me and my big fat mouth got on live TV, in front of millions of people who had tuned in _specifically_ for that show, and given her one of the most valuable objects on the planet. I painted a neon, blinking target on her back. Wow, aren't I smart!?

"What the hell should I do?" I said into the phone, resting my head on my hand that wasn't holding the phone and letting out a long sigh.

"For one, you aren't allowed to leave," Beth said in a commanding voice, "Until you're sure she's going to be fine, and have talked to her. And you owe her, big time."

"That's nothing new," I said tiredly. "Just tack it to the bottom of the list. But what do I even say? 'Dear Mindy, remember that rock I gave you? Well, turns out it's made you a target for criminals, and now you're probably going to be targeted for the rest of your life. My bad! Sincerely, Mark!?'"

"Well, yeah," Beth said, "That seems about right."

I was about to respond when I saw a doctor standing by the door beckon me to come talk to him.

"Call you back, the doctor's here," I said into the phone, hanging up before I heard her response.

As I walked over to the doctor, I tried to ignore the thoughts swirling in my head. Was Mindy shot? Will she live? Is she in a coma? Why do I care so much? Why do I have such shit luck? The doctor could apparently see the worry in my face because he gave me a small, stressed smile as I approached.

"She's going to be fine," he said, and I let out a long breath.

"Oh thank god. So, what happened?"

"As far as we know, she was jumped in an alley by four people who were trying to get something from her. The police showed up before she got seriously hurt, but the criminals fought back and a firefight ensued. She was knocked in the back of her head by a blunt object of some kind, and was out cold. She was hit in the arm by a stray bullet a few seconds later. Shortly afterward, the police had subdued the assailants, and everyone was being loaded into ambulances to come here."

"And… how is she?" I asked apprehensively. Oh God, if she's permanently hurt, it's all my fault.

"Still unconscious, but this time it's the anesthesia. We expect her to be waking up soon."

"When can I see her?"

"Right now," the doctor said, turning on his heel and striding down the hall without waiting for my response. I ran after him, and we walked away from the waiting room into the emergency ward that I myself had spent so much time in that I knew where every water fountain was.

We stopped outside of a nondescript door, and the doctor poked his head in. I heard him talking to someone inside. A few seconds later, a nurse walked out, smiling to me softly.

"Turns out she's awake now, but she's going to be out again in a few seconds, so don't expect any intelligent conversing. And she's on a lot of drugs, so whatever she says will probably be nonsense. We'll be right out here if you need anything."

I nodded, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

The first thing I noticed was the smell of antiseptics that seems to haunt every medical establishment ever. The second thing was Mindy. She was lying in a white bed, wearing a white hospital dress, and covered by white sheets. It hurt my eyes. The only things that weren't white were the beige bandages on her head and arm. Her eyes were open and staring straight at me.

"Um…" I said awkwardly, "How are you feeling?"

She looked at me blankly. I tried again,

"Hello? Earth to Mindy, you there?"

Still no response. I walked towards her slowly.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, as I reached for her hand. She started as I made contact, and turned to look at me.

"Oh, hi Mark!" she said, grinning at me. "Sorry I didn't notice you earlier, I was thinking about puppies. I like puppies. Do you like puppies?"

"Um," I said, taken aback. "Yeah. Puppies are great. But, uh, how are you?"

"I feel like a cloud," she proclaimed happily, obviously on some sort of pain meds.

"That's real great," I said, sitting down in the chair by her bed. "So, what happened?"

"I was talking to a fat guy who reminded me of Santa but not as tall and without that freaky beard. I was so scared of Santa when I was a kid; I wouldn't sit on his lap at the mall until my mom made me and then I slugged him in the stomach. What were we talking about? Oh, right, why I'm here. Some people cornered me in the alley by Chipotle and asked for my thingy that I didn't have and I told them I didn't have it but they didn't believe me. Then the cops showed up in their cars with the blinky lights- I've always wanted to drive one of those- and then I pepper sprayed the woman who was holding me and then I don't remember."

She smiled up at me, and then turned to fiddle with the bandages on her arm.

"Why do I have these?" She asked, looking up at me expectantly.

"Um…" I said, still trying to digest the story that she told me. "You got shot." I decided to be blunt because that's what I would have wanted.

"Oh, that's too bad," Mindy said, seemingly nonplussed. "It doesn't hurt. That's weird."

"You're on some medicine to help with the pain," I said, gesturing to the IV in her arm.

"Oh, I didn't notice that! Wait, no, I remember it hurting when they put it in." She frowned and looked at me. "Does this count as being impaled?"

"I guess it does, technically," I said, and smiled at her. "Hey, we can both be in the 'I've Been Impaled Club!' Awesome!"

She grinned. "Yeah, you and me and every other person in America who's had a shot."

"Aw, now you've gone and made it not fun," I pouted playfully. "So, what's up? Like, what are you doing?"

"Trying to remember what I was gonna tell you. It was something important…" She trailed off, and contemplated the wall. "Oh! I remember now!"

"What?"

"Peas," she said simply, and turned to gaze out the window.

"Uh… What?" I asked plaintively.

"Peas. You know, the little round green things you eat?"

"Yeah… But what was the important thing you were trying to tell me?"

"Peas! I ate all mine but I kept the bag."

"Okay, that's awesome, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"PEAS!" She yelled, and the doctor poked his head in through the door.

"Is everything alright in here?" He asked, and Mindy looked at him desperately.

"Oh, great, now that you're here you can tell this idiot here something." She said, thumping me lightly on the arm.

"What would you like to say?" The doctor asked, looking at her seriously.

"Peas."

"Excuse me?" He looked to me and I shrugged.

"That's what she's been saying constantly. Said it was really important, and then just said 'peas' over and over."

He sighed and turned to her. "Mindy, what happened to the peas?"

"I ate them," she said happily.

"Okay… and then what?"

"I kept the bag."

"And then…" The doctor trailed off, and looked at her.

"And now it's a pirate's chest." She looked at me. "Hey, you're a pirate! Go collect the treasure!"

"I think it's time for Mindy here to go back to sleep," the doctor said, adjusting the IV and hitting some buttons. "How does that sound?"

"Great," Mindy said, and rolled over. She was asleep within seconds. The doctor turned to me.

"Do you have any idea what she was trying to tell you?" He asked seriously.

"No clue, why? It was just gibberish from the meds."

"Not necessarily..." He trailed off, thinking. "I've seen a lot of patients that were trying to tell their loved ones something, but they couldn't for some reason. So they did their best. Think on any idea you might have on what she's trying to tell you."

"Okay," I said, "I will go forth and contemplate the deep, metaphorical meaning of peas."

The doctor sighed and led me out of the room, and we walked slowly down the hallway.

"So… is she going to be alright?" I asked apprehensively for at least the third time.

"Yes. She is expected to make a full recovery. You can come back tomorrow, but until then, I'd suggest that you go home and sleep. Don't forget, you were in here just a few hours ago with an injury of your own. You need time to recover."

The doctor held the door for me as I walked into the main office, and I said goodbye quietly. I waved at the receptionist again, and walked out to my car. It was about sunset, and I groaned when I thought of the drive home into the sun.

As I pulled out of the parking lot, I used my Bluetooth speaker to call Beth. She picked up immediately.

"Hey Mark, how is everything?" Her voice was clear, which helped me focus.

"Mindy is gonna be fine," I said, and she let out a long sigh.

"Oh, thank God. And how are you?"

"Well, my nose is in three pieces," I said sarcastically.

"No, stupid," Beth said, sighing, "Like how are you feeling."

"Pretty crappy."

"Well, that's lovely. So why'd you call?"

"I don't know. I said I would call you back. At least I think I did… Anyway, I'm here now. How's the rest of the crew?"

"You won't believe this," she said with a laugh, "But when I called the mother hen, Robert picked up instead, and I wasn't exactly focused, so I told him everything. And then when I did realize it was him, I was so embarrassed, but then he said, 'Wait, I know Mindy,' and I was like, 'How?!' and-" she paused to take a breath. "And he said that they would have coffee when he was there late to talk to Melissa because time differences. Anyway, he was very concerned that his coffee break would become forever alone, and then I heard Melissa's voice in the background and she was like, 'What happened? What exploded? Because I know whose fault _that_ would be,' and Robert said, 'My fellow coffee addict and time-zone hater has been shot,' and you could clearly hear her say, 'What the hell?!' before Robert said goodbye and hung up."

Beth stopped to catch her breath, and I interrupted her monologue to ask, "Hey can I borrow your super-brain for a minute?"

"Sure."

"What does 'peas' mean?"

"What."

"You know, peas," I said, with no idea how to explain myself. "Like the peas you eat."

"I know what peas are," she said exasperatedly, "But why the hell are you asking me if you also know?"

"No, like…" I huffed in frustration. "Does that word mean anything special to nerds?"

"Um, no… Why do you ask?"

"Because that's all Mindy said to me. Well, besides a few random rants… She was on some serious pain meds and said she had something really important to say, but it was just 'peas' and I have no idea what the hell that means."

Beth was silent for a minute before saying, "Anything else?"

"Yeah… she said she kept the bag and how I, who is a pirate, should go hunt the treasure within."

"You are never going to let that go, are you?"

"Nope!" I said, popping the 'p'.

"It was one thing, one _technicality_ , and now you're even more full of yourself. Hey, actually…" she trailed off, and I could hear an evil grin in her voice as she said, "We will revisit this topic later, but you aren't as cool as you may think."

"Okay… but any ideas on what she might have meant?" I pulled onto the freeway, glaring at the idiot in the truck in front of me.

"Maybe."

"Please tell me, because I won't be able to sleep until I know."

"Where is it?"

"Where is what? Oh, the rock. I dunno, probably in a safe deposit box, why?"

"What if it's in the bag of peas?" Beth said, and I was silent for a full ten seconds before replying.

"Beth, you're a genius. Remind me to buy you a chocolate bar."

"I prefer dark," she said, and I heard a door open in the background. "Oh, Chris is home. I have to talk to him, sorry. Call you tomorrow?"

"Sure. Bye," I said, and hung up. Well, at least now I had something to do! I groaned as I realized that I had to turn around if I was going to get to Mindy's place. Pulling over into the exit lane, I contemplated what my life had become. Here I was, going to break into my friend's apartment (I didn't have a key, and I was going to try my best not to break the door) to retrieve one of the world's most valuable objects from a bag of peas in her freezer, which I only knew about because she had been shot, and because I had an anarchic punk hacker on speed dial. And I though last year was weird!


	10. Mark Adds To His Criminal Record

**A/N: Okay, so, here is the random that is chapter 10! I want to say thank you for the amazing response that this story has gotten. You guys are the best. And I am well aware that it has been moths since an update, but I went and got obsessed with Stranger Things, which threw off my writing schedule. Anyway: Chapter 10!**

I think Mindy super-glues her door together when she leaves, because I can't get it open. I have discovered this fact by attempting to break into her apartment. I used my credit card to open the lock on the knob (saw that in a YouTube tutorial ages ago) and it's turning, but the door won't open. I glanced down the hallway for the millionth time, making sure no one was watching me. What a headline that'd make! _Mark_ _Watney, Colonist of Mars and Star of Jimmy Fallon's Last Show, Breaks into Apartment of Suspected_ _Girlfriend Who Was Shot_ _Earlier_ _That Day!_ And the next day's would probably be about my subsequent murder by Annie. It's been a weird few days.

Anyway! Back to the door. On our lovely flying tin can, there were exactly eight doors. One on each of our bedrooms, one on the bathroom, and one on the shower. The only one that locked was the bathroom, and it was one of those button locks that I would pick with a hairpin when I was younger. This one, however, must have the world's most complicated lock, because I can't get in.

I grunted, trying and failing yet again to brute-force my way through the door. Screw this, I'm gonna jump through the window. I walked around to try to find the door I came through, before remembering that I was on the third floor, and therefore, couldn't Spider-Man my way into the room. I walked back to the door, slumping against it dejectedly.

I rolled over onto my stomach, trying to see through the crack under the door. Nothing was blocking it, and by all means, it should be open by now. I wondered if Mindy would kill me if I permanently broke her door. I could pay her back. Yeah, I think I'm gonna cut the knob off. She'll need a new door, but that's not a big deal. If she gets kicked out, well… we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I reached into my pocket for my car keys. The keychain was a collapsible knife, supposed to be used for cutting off your seatbelt if power lines fell onto your car or something. But it works for this too, I guess. I flipped it open, and traced a small square in the wood around the knob. I got to work cutting it open, hoping that no little old ladies walked around the corner.

After about ten minutes of cutting, I had the knob almost cut out. The wood was surprisingly weak, but the knife couldn't reach all the way to the back, so there was less than a centimeter of wood holding the door together. Bracing myself against the door, I grabbed the knob and pulled. It didn't budge. I pulled harder. This time, I felt something move. Almost there! I gave it one last jerk, and it sprung out into my hands. I lurched backwards into the wall, and had to bite back a few curses as I rubbed my back.

I looked down at the knob, noting the square of wood surrounding it. I let it fall and walked over to the door itself. Looking through the new hole in it, I immediately saw why it wouldn't open. Somehow, the deadbolt had been thrown. I have no idea how, but all I had to do was reach through and slide it out, and the door basically fell open.

Stepping into the apartment, I took a look around. I had never actually been in Mindy's apartment, and I knew it was rude to go through someone's stuff, but I could at least take a look around. The walls were white, and the living room was modestly furnished with a plain couch in front of a TV, and a small coffee table. There were a few pictures on the walls, as well as homemade foil curtains drawn back from the windows. Those were my fault. Sorry again, Mindy.

I crossed into the kitchen, immediately bumping my hip on the table. Swearing under my breath (had to be quiet so I didn't get caught and subsequently arrested), I turned to the refrigerator/freezer complex. I pulled the freezer open, and rooted past some ice cream and a weird blob to find a bag of peas shoved into the very back. I took the bag out carefully, and it was immediately obvious that there were no peas in it at all.

I brought the open end to my eye and looked through. There, at the bottom, was a small, orange rock.

I closed the bag immediately. I couldn't look at it. I really don't know why I brought it back. I hate it so much, and it actively hurts to see. But I couldn't leave it behind. I can't explain why, I just… couldn't. To be honest, I had no clue what I was going to do with it. I knew I couldn't keep it, and I didn't want to relinquish it to beaurocracy, but it was small enough to fit in my pocket, so it came with me.

I regret that now for obvious reasons. Mars, sending me a final fuck you from 140 million miles away.

I tore off some duct tape from a roll I found on the counter (Brownie points to Mindy!) and taped the bag shut. As I quietly walked back to the door, I heard voices filter through the hallway.

"…Need to tell Eleanor… out of mayonnaise,"

"Just go to… get a new purse?"

Oh, crap. I was gonna get caught. Glancing around the apartment, I saw nowhere to hide. Not that it would help anyway, as there was an obvious chunk missing from the door. I glanced to her window again. Could I jump down safely? I looked out of it, and down at the tree below. Maybe I could jump to the tree? It was about two feet below the windowsill, but I could only use one hand, as there was no way in hell I was letting go of this bag.

I heard the voices grow louder, and promptly decided, "screw it." I opened the window slowly so that it didn't creak, and began to climb out onto the sill. I was about to lower myself out of it when I heard a scream. Looking back at the door, I saw two old ladies, staring at me in surprise.

I was about to try and sweet talk them, when I felt the windowsill move beneath me. Looking down at where it met the wall, I realized the fatal error in my plan. I was sitting on a two-inch thick slab of concrete that was loosely attached to a few bricks, three stories above the ground. And then I noticed the growing crack at the attachment point.

I didn't even have time to say "shit" before it broke off completely, dropping me (who was clutching the bag in a death grip) into the tree below. I banged into a few branches, and I'm sure that I got more than a few little cuts, but I managed to get an arm around a thick branch about halfway down the tree.

I took stock of myself. Everything hurt, and I had scraped both of my knees, but I still had the bag. I'm going to be an optimist and take that as a win. And then I noticed another fault in my stupid plan.

See, when I was a kid, I loved to climb trees. It almost gave my mom a heart attack whenever I was found at the top of the huge pine tree in our backyard. The main problem, however, is that my tree climbing skills were (and still are) similar to those of a cat. Going up? Easy. Coming down? Not so much.

So there I was, stuck fifteen feet up in a tree like an idiot. Just great. I pulled out my phone to call somebody. My first thought was Lewis, but she would probably just yell at me. Martinez would never stop laughing, Beck would just have an aneurysm, and Johanssen would probably call the fire department. Vogel would be the best choice, but he was in Germany.

As I was scrolling through my contacts, I heard the old ladies from earlier above me.

"…And I think he ran towards Walmart… No… He was holding something, yes… Okay. Thank you." I heard her hang up the phone. Man, why do the old people have their phone volume up so much?

"What did he say?" Asked the other lady.

"There'll be a police car here in about twenty minutes," said the first lady, and I winced.

Okay, decision time. Martinez, Lewis, Beck, or Johanssen? I'd have flip a coin, but I didn't have one. Eenie, meenie, miney… wait! I grinned, choosing a number, and brought the phone to my ear. A few seconds later, I heard the connection come on.

"Hello?" said the voice in my ear.

"Hey, Robert? It's Mark. I need a getaway driver…"

 **COOKIE BREAK**

Mindy was about to kill the nurse in her room. She had been messing with the same IV bag for about ten minutes. As far as Mindy could tell, nothing had changed. She sighed, and tried to shift to a more comfortable position.

The cast on her arm was really annoying her. As she as right handed, and had been shot in her right arm, she couldn't do much in the way of entertainment. The television in her room was broken, and there were no books to read. When she thought about it, that made sense. She had only been in the room a few hours, which was hardly enough time to set up a suite.

"Okay, I think we're done here," the nurse said finally, and Mindy sighed in relief.

"Thank you. Do you know how much longer I have to be here until I can go home?"

"Well," The nurse began, "You haven't been here long enough for us to thoroughly assess your injuries, so at least another few days. And we're going to keep you here for a while to recover. Depending on the severity, you may be here anywhere between two weeks and two months."

Mindy groaned, and was about to ask the nurse for her phone to text her mom, when a frenzied-looking assistant appeared in the doorway, grabbing it to stop his movement.

"Sorry to interrupt you," He said, out of breath, "But there's a man at our front desk insisting to see Ms. Park. Said… something about a treasure? And that you would know what he meant."

Mindy's eyes widened. Oh crap. Had someone taken it? Surely, by now, her apartment had been broken into by comrades of the hit men from the alley.

Noticing the obvious worry on Mindy's face, the nurse said, "I think we should wait for visitors-"

"No, no, it's fine," Mindy said, with an idea of who was down at the desk. "I need to talk to him. And if you don't let him up, he'll probably just run up here anyway."

"Are you sure?" The assistant said, and Mindy nodded. "Okay, I'll go get him."

The assistant disappeared down the hallway, leaving Mindy alone with the nurse. They waited in silence for the him to return, and when he did, the nurse left the room to give Mindy privacy with her guest. The assistant stepped aside, revealing another man behind him.

"Hey," Said Mark, giving her a nervous grin.

"Hey," She said back, and he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him.

Once he was inside, Mindy took stock of him. There was a white bandage across his nose, his hair was messy, his clothes were torn in some places, and he was covered in scrapes.

"What happened to you?" Mindy asked, concerned.

He smirked, and raised his eyebrows. "Do I not look handsome enough for you?"

She rolled her eyes, laughing. "You still look… not too much like a swamp monster. But seriously, what did you do?"

"Well," he began, "This bandage on my nose is from our favorite psychotic director, Annie. She socked me in the face. Guess I deserve it, but it still hurt like a bitch. As for the rest of these… Let's just say that I'm not Spider Man."

"Come on, Mark," Mindy said, exasperated, but smiling.

"Okay," he said grinning, "But you're not gonna believe this. So, when I came to see you earlier- you don't remember this, lucky for you- you wouldn't stop babbling about peas to me. You said that you wanted to tell me something important, and just said 'peas' over and over. And something about my majestic pirating skills. The doctor said that it might be important, so I called Beth to get her opinion. She somehow came to the conclusion that you had hidden the you-know-what in a bag of peas, so I went to your apartment to get it. Had a little trouble getting in- you'll hear about that later- and found an empty bag of peas in your freezer. Sure enough, there was treasure inside. So I was about to leave to bring it to you, but then I heard these old ladies in the hall. It was kinda obvious that I wasn't supposed to be in there, so I went to climb out the window. I was gonna climb down the tree to my car and get out of there, but then the ladies saw me. I froze on the windowsill for a little too long, and it broke, sending me into the tree. I was fine, but I couldn't get down. So I called Robert Lewis to come get me down. Oh, and the ladies had called the cops. But we didn't get caught, and he drove me here to give you an empty food container. And… Now I'm here!"

Mindy stared at him for a minute. "Mark… you idiot, you broke my apartment."

They looked at each other for a minute, with her trying to look angry, and him trying to look guilty, but the they both burst out laughing,

"Yeah," Mark said, "And I looked really cool doing it!"


	11. Of Potatoes and Cannibals

**A/N: Merry Christmas y'all! Thought this would be a nice present. And if you done celebrate Christmas, then here's a free gift for no reason!**

Annie Montrose was sure that she had been a serial killer in a past life. It was the only thing she could think of that would result in the utter cesspool of her current existence. In less than three years, she had gone from being one of the most respected figures in her industry, to being widely viewed as a psychopath. The one thing that was working in her favor was that she could find a clear scapegoat for the whole thing: Mark fucking Watney.

He was at the top of her to-kill list, followed closely by Mitch, then Cathy from CNN, then his little girlfriend. Annie contemplated her life as she stalked down a long hallway to a conference room for her weekly "yell at the rest of us" meeting, as it had been worded by Rich before she had yelled at him enough that he learned not to annoy her.

She swept past a group of interns gathered around a coffee station, and smirked when they pushed up against the wall as she walked past. Being feared certainly had its benefits.

As she reached the door, she took a deep breath. This week's meeting was supposed to be a celebratory one, but that was before the fiasco that was the Tonight Show. Annie hadn't yet reached the decision of who she would fire over it yet, but someone was definitely going home.

Pushing the door open, she walked briskly into the room, reaching her usual spot at the table before turning to face the rest of the occupants. She quickly took stock of the room. Mitch was smirking slightly (enjoying it while he was still alive), Venkat seemed completely immersed in his phone, Bruce was talking to a regional manager via video chat, and Teddy was in his seat, looking at her expectantly.

One by one, the remainder of the people in the room noticed her glowering at them, and turned their attention to her. Bruce signed off, and the man who he had been talking to quickly vacated the room. She let them examine her facial expression, which was calm, cool, and collected, before walking to the front of the room. Turning around, she gave them all a quick once-over, and carefully considered her next words.

"What the fuck!?"

She glared at each of them in turn, trying to shoot lasers through their skulls, and hopefully pierce their tiny brains in the process.

"Which one of you imbeciles let him on TV? Did you even consider the consequences? Because let me lay it out for you. One of you signed off on sending a mentally unstable, habitually swearing, lunatic with no impulse control, to be the ambassador for our administration, who everyone fucking hates, by the way, and honestly, did you think this would turn out any differently? Did you think he would walk around as an ad for us? Yeah, right, that would never happen. And I saws this coming, I fucking warned you, and did you listen? No! 'Oh, we'll get a lot of positive support!' You said, but guess what? We didn't! What we got is a rep for hiring psychos! So, I ask you again, what the hell did you think was going to happen?!"

Annie finished her rant and looked each one of them in the eyes. Venkat was looking a little bit ashamed, and Teddy was being his usual stoic self, but Mitch was sitting in the corner, grinning like a kid in a candy store.

"And what, pray tell, is so funny?" Annie said icily to him, trying to be intimidating, but he just grinned wider.

"Well," he said, attempting to pull a straight face, "You know all those things you told him to do?"

"And he did none of them," she huffed, "but what am I missing here?"

"He did the exact opposite of every single one. I mean, think about it. He threw shit, yelled, looked insane, said 'fuck' multiple times-"

"I am aware," Annie said calmly, "But what is so fucking funny?"

"Well, I'm imagining the memes that will come out of this. I mean, back in 2016, that one guy named Ken Bone got to be a meme, and god knows how, but if he could do it, so could you! Actually, I have an even better idea!"

"Mitch…" Teddy said warningly, but Mitch just smiled wider.

"Did you know there was a 'Sexy Ken Bone' costume? I should make one for you! 'Sexy pissed off director!' What do you think? Or how about-"

He was cut off by Annie cracking her binder over his head.

"Now, you ignorant little shits, what do we do?

THIS IS TOTALLY A LINE BREAK DON'T JUDGE

Debt is an odd thing. It is completely relative, comparative, and is one of the few personal bonds that doesn't require those involved to actually meet. Countless civilians were indebted to the soldiers who had pulled them from a bombed city. Animals at an animal shelter were indebted to the people who took them in. Mark Watney was indebted to Mindy Park. And in turn, Mindy Park was indebted to trigger-happy, pizza-loving, third party presidential candidate Sen. Cory Reynolds.

A full two years before the next election, he had declared his candidacy by placing a confetti cannon on top of the Statue of Liberty, sitting on it, and showering New York in colorful confetti while loudspeakers blasted a theme song that he had written for himself.

A stunt like that was sort of hard to ignore, which was beneficial to Mindy, because it had taken almost every reporter away from the hospital (and off of their unfolding drama).

She gave a little laugh as she watched the reporters try to make sense of it. She almost wished that she wasn't in the hospital right then, so that she could go watch the spectacle herself, but then Mark probably wouldn't be sitting in a chair by her bed, giggling and pointing at the TV like a little kid.

"See that?" He said, turning to her with a big grin on his face. "That's what I wanted to do! Something big and stupid and expensive!"

"I think you did a fair job of it," Mindy said, and he gleefully returned his attention to the TV for another moment, before looking back at her.

"What?" Mindy asked, noticing his look in her direction.

"Hey… did you read my logs yet?" He asked, with an odd expression on his face.

"Um…." Mindy said, "No. Literally the only people with the clearance are your psychology team and Teddy, though he swore that he never wanted to see them, claiming that it would give him a heart attack, Why?"

Mark grinned. "Because then I can entertain you with tales of my stupidity!"

Mindy laughed. "Yes, you can. Go forth and feel accomplished!"

"Oh, I will," he said, and then got quiet, staring off into space.

"What are you thinking about?" Mindy asked, and he looked up at her with a smirk.

"Which stupid thing I did you will find the funniest!" He said happily. "Let's see… that time I blew myself up because I forgot humans breathed 24/7, that time I used opiates as a condiment, that time I dropped Pathfinder on my foot, that time I made a cancer-causing hot tub…"

His voice faded at the end, noticing Mindy's steadily growing look of horror.

"Um…" he said awkwardly, "You okay? Should I call the nurse?"

Mindy shook her head. "No, it's just… you idiot, you almost died. Multiple times."

"And?"

"And… I don't want to think about that happening."

He looked at her peculiarly, and then said, "I get that. But… I really think you'd enjoy the tale of the cancer tub."

Mindy rolled her eyes, half annoyed and half amused. "Go ahead, then. How did you manage to make that?"

His face lit up. "Easy! I just taped some tubes to a hammock I cannibalized from Johanssen, taped that to the water tank around the RTG, and got in! Definitely one of my best moments. It was even better than a normal hot tub! Hey, maybe I could mass produce them and sell them online…"

He looked to Mindy, who was gaping at him.

"What?"

"You… I can't decide if you're a genius-"

He nodded enthusiastically.

"… or just a huge idiot," She finished, and he pouted at her.

"I'm definitely a genius. Look at my giant head!" Mark stood up and spun in a circle for her to inspect the size of his head. Which Mindy didn't do, choosing instead to try and whap him with her cast.

He dodged, and gave her a hurt puppy face. "Mommy, she tried to hit me!" He wailed, sitting down on the floor and pretending to cry.

"Oh, get over yourself," Mindy said, but she couldn't keep a small grin from creeping onto her face. "And get up off the floor, it's dirty."

He frowned at her again, but climbed back into his chair. They sat in silence for another length of time, just watching TV and enjoying each other's company.

Eventually, though, Mark seemed to have reached his limit on time spent without talking, and began quietly muttering to himself.

"What are you doing?" Mindy asked, and he started.

"Oh, hey! Forgot you were here! How you doin'?

"What were you talking about?" Mindy asked, and he looked a little embarrassed.

"Um… I was trying to come up with a campaign motto for Lewis if she ran for president. Don't ask," He said, seeing her confused look, "me and Martinez were talking about it earlier."

"And what did you decide on?" Mindy asked, genuinely curious.

"Well, we haven't yet. But I'll tell you when we do," Mark said, before standing up and walking to the foot of her bed and picking up a box of chocolates that someone, probably her cousin Darrel, had given her.

"Can I eat this?" He asked, and Mindy waved her hand.

"Go ahead. Never liked those anyway."

"You don't like caramel?"

"Too sweet. And don't look so appalled," She said, noticing the expression on his face.

He crossed to the front og the room, put one foot on her hand, and took up a Napoleon-esque stance, holding the box of chocolates close to him.

"Let it be known," He proclaimed in a royal voice, "That here, on this day, the somethingth day of April in the Year of our Lord Two Thousand and Thirty-Eight, I vow to find a variation of chocolates that my delusional associate will appreciate, or perish in the attempt!"

He looked around for something to bang, and, finding nothing, grabbed Mindy's foot and banged it on the footboard of the bed.

"Oww," she said, but was laughing nonetheless.

He smiled, turning back to the TV, and zoning out for a bit, which Mindy was grateful for, as it gave her a chance to recover from his constant chatter. Not that she was complaining. No, talking to him was awesome. Really awesome, actually. Just nerve-racking, and she was tired, and her foot hurt where Mark banged it (idiot), and she was going to sleep now.

"Mark," she said, and he looked up at her instantly. "I'm going to sleep now."

"Oh, okay," he said, looking a bit put out, but flashing her a smile anyway. "I'll… see you tomorrow, then?"

"That would be great," Mindy smiled, and he beamed back.

"Awesome! So… um…" Mark put his hands in his pockets, obviously not sure what he was supposed to do. "Bye?"

"Wait," Mindy said, "Tell me a story."

He grinned, a bit surprised, but walked back to the chair by her bed again.

"But you said you didn't want to hear about my tales of stupidity," He said, giving her a look like a kicked puppy.

"Then talk about something that did not result in your near-death. Emphasis on the not."

He thought for a moment, before snapping his fingers, and sitting up straight.

"Oh!" he exclaimed. "Did I ever tell you about the time I made dolls out of potatoes?"

"No," Mindy said, grinning. "Please, elaborate."

"Okay," he said, "Jut fall asleep when you want to, though. If it was boring doint it, it must be boring to hear about it."

Mindy nodded, and nestled into her blanket.

"Well!" He began, "So it was just a normal day for me. I was watching TV, playing in the dirt, missing humanity and such, and messing with some potatoes. And I got to thinking about their eyes. Like, what if they could see out of them? Would that mean they have brains? Mind you, I was using Vicodin as a condiment around this time, so my mind was a bit off. Hence the potato sentience thoughts. But anyway, I was like, 'hey! They're little potato people!' and then I was like 'OH!' and went and got a knife and went to town on a potato. I was just messing with it, but it came out looking like Vogel, so I just went ahead and made it him. Then I made a potato Lewis. Then Martinez, though I gave his potato an asshole because he is one. Then I found what looked like two potatoes fused together, so I made them into Beck and Johanssen, because anyone can see that they love each other..."

Mindy was trying to listen, but was falling asleep. She tried to keep her eyes open, but gave up.

"…and then I ate my friends. I know, total dick move, but I was hungry! And they were only potatoes, really, but they were my only friends. I was actually kinda lonely after I ate them… Oh my god, is that cannibalism?! I ate my friends. Holy shit, I ate my friends. I have to call Lewis right now and tell her. Um…" Mark looked at Mindy, who was fast asleep on the bed.

"Bye, Mindy," He said, and gave her hand a squeeze. He stared at her for another moment or two, and then stood up and walked out of the room, pulling out his phone as he did. His receding footsteps echoed down the hallway, eventually joined by his voice.

"Hey, Lewis, guess what? I ate you. No regrets."

From her room, Mindy smiled softly in her sleep.

 **A/N: So this is a bit shorter than usual, but I've got plans for the next few chapters :) See you soon (I hope!)**


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